When you’re raining blows upon another shopper fighting for the same Christmas toy, when you’re reverse cutting lines in the freezing cold, when you’re trampling the 19-year-old, acne-riddled assistant manager, when you’re pushing an old lady’s wheelchair out of the way to get at that 55-inch flat-screen, just remember, it doesn’t have to be this way.

This is not the way our rock-pop-jazz gods wanted us to behave.

So let’s all throw on the smooth sounds of Steely Dan’s Black Friday and come together as one. Donald Fagen and Walter Becker would want you to bond over the high cost of low price, not fight.

When Black Friday comes, I’m gonna dig myself a hole. Gonna lay down in it ’til I satisfy my soul.

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