Our Postcards sender is leaving Beijing. Time for a Top 10 recap: “The hacking, spitting, filth and smell of urine around every corner is a mere sideshow compared to the real fun you can have here…Just prepare for the worst and you’ll get the best.”

“Many of the Chinese woman I’ve come across dress like they’re about 12. Maybe they’re trying to find the right pedophile to settle down with, I’m not sure. But it’s like there’s a secret directive that requires woman to wear childish, stupid, frilly, shiny things.”

You’ve heard about China’s impending dominance for a while now. But what’s life like on a day-to-day basis in the weird and wonderful country? For that we turn to our intrepid reporter JB, who files her latest message via carrier pigeon. For the birds!

“When you get a cold you go to the doctor’s office for a checkup, right? Right. Well, here in China, you go to the hospital. So when I first heard someone say they had to go to the hospital, I asked frantically, ‘Are you OKAY?’ Oh, yes, they just had…a bit of a cough.”

If you ride the subway in Beijing, you are assaulted by a one-two punch to the nose: the smell of dirty scalp and dragon breath. Then there’s the smell of formerly hot food mixed with the warm odor of piss.

“The stain on the floor in front of the sofa was the worst offender. I didn’t want to know what it was. It looked like someone took a sh!t on the floor. What I did instead was move the sofa closer to the TV to cover it.”

Once you find your beloved in China, the pomp and ceremony begins. It’s very similar to what we do back home: dress, cake, venue, band. But in Beijing they go all out for the pre-wedding photos — hair, makeup, lighting, assistants, costumes.

Take a stroll through Beijing’s Silk Market: “Suddenly, as though a dark cloud formed over her shop stall, the bitch emerges. She starts yelling at the customers, harassing them and mocking them, because clearly they can see through her pricing bullsh!t.”

In China, they hate the sun. They want nothing to do with it. The idea of getting a tan is ridiculous — to not be as white as pure driven snow is, well, unseemly. Our intrepid reporter in Beijing breaks down the various methods of alien-looking sunblock.

You’ve heard about China’s impending dominance for a while now. But what’s life like on a day-to-day basis? Well, there’s lots of old dudes walking the street in pajamas, old ladies talkin’ about hemorrhoids, and elbows to your back.

When culture shock meets bathroom etiquette and that time of the month: “Dear Women of China: I’m writing to you because we’ve known each other for a while now, and I feel comfortable telling you about something that’s bothered me for months.”

A charming look inside day-to-day life in the growing Chinese empire…

Before she even gets started, our intrepid reporter JB wants to slip in a disclaimer: She is not a pervert. She simply went out to the park a few days ago and shot video of a kid’s ass. Relax, let her tell you why.

Who needs Bally Total Fitness when you can slap your ass while walking at your local park? Our intrepid reporter in Beijing fills us in on the exercise habits of old Chinese people who work out in public on the many jungle gyms for adults around the city.

What’s it like being an American working for a Chinese firm in Beijing? Well, you can’t dress like Oliver Twist. Or a hussy. You may or may not need to know Kung Fu. Or dancing. And you’re being graded on your “commitment” to fun. Really.

It’s commonly believed that Chinese people eat dogs. But with a growing interest in Western things, and with a one-child policy in effect, dogs throughout much of China have actually become the second child or grandchild for the older folks to spoil.

“Usually I see men doing it, but recently I saw a cute little old lady fondling her nuts as she sat pleasantly on her subway seat, waiting to get to her destination. If you’re wondering whether one can eat these nuts as a snack once they finish their little Jane Fonda workout of the hands, the answer is…”

From jellied duck blood to crotchless baby pants to the constant smell of piss, our intrepid reporter “JB” chronicles the weird and wonderful from the Chinese capital. In this culture-clash installment, she continues her tour of Beijing street snacks.

Chinese people love to spit all over the streets. So when it snows, Beijing stews a sort of spit soup on the ground. That’s when Chinese soldiers come riding in with their shovels instead of guns, men in uniform cleaning “filth and misery” off the streets.

For a week Beijing was a ghost town — Chinese New Year is the world’s largest migratory event. The Beijingers left behind all go to temple fairs, where you can win prizes like stuffed animals that will probably kill your children if sniffed too much.