In an effort to inflate its sagging ratings, NBC should order at least 13 episodes of The Dictator Apprentice*, a show in which D-list celebrities pair up with foreign strongmen on behalf of their favorite charities.
With Steven Seagal in Russia this week to pal around with Vladimir Putin, on the heels of Dennis Rodman’s trip to North Korea, we here at HyperVocal figured why not capitalize on this news momentum and throw down some challenges as part of a grander competition. Let’s meet the contestants:
Dennis Rodman & Kim Jong-un
Team Jonggy Boy is your classic odd couple: One’s drab with a Helen Keller Sassoon haircut, one’s a flamboyant journeyman who spends 15 minutes at airport security removing all his genital piercings. Playing for the Everything Sunny All the Time Always Good Time Beach Party Foundation, the pair will dominate the obligatory QVC Fashion challenge as they meld their styles with a neon green mesh tank top with built-in nipple clamps and industrial wide-leg khaki slacks with this logo on the rear, Juicy style.
Steven Seagal & Vladimir Putin
Team Bulletproof Kimono will be playing for the Hard to Kill Crane Migratory Institute. This duo, reportedly friends for decades, has to be considered the favorite: Seagal plans to enlist PETA’s help to smooth out public relations after the Rooster Euthanasia challenge, and Putin has already shown his Apprentice-level acumen when he reached out to celebrities like Boyz II Men, whom he hired to help Russians increase the nation’s birth rate.
Jean-Claude Van Damme & former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi
Team Bunga Bunga, going all out for the Big Brother/Little Sister Progamme, is seen here already taunting the competition, and Putin is not pleased. Many viewers will look forward to the martial arts face-off between Van Damme and Seagal, but it’s the Dance Marathon competition where Jean-Claude will be able to show off his Spandexed moves while Berlusconi shouts “Go Pussy!”
Danny Glover & Hugo Chavez’s Corpse
Team Weekend at Bernardo’s will be playing for the Venezuelan Breastfeeding & Tiny Cups Organization. If you thought Danny Glover was getting too old for this shit, you’ll just have to imagine him carrying around all of Hugo Chavez’s dead weight throughout all the competitions.
Pope Emeritus & Congo’s Joseph Kabila
Team Ebony Ivory Wayans, competing on behalf of the Anti-Prophylactic League, are all about the kids — be it leading an army of child soldiers or systematically hushing altar boys. No matter the competition, this tenacious duo will never quit; well, at least half the team. They have faith.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Joseph Kony
Ahh, crap, sorry, that’s just Carl Weathers. Get a stew on, man.
But, admit it, you’d watch The Dictator Apprentice. We’d watch.
*Yes, the definition of “dictator” is stretched. Wanna complain? Tweet us.