What Obama & Romney Would Sound Like Interviewing For a Real Job

Why do we have presidential debates if the answers are so absurdly vague they’d get the candidates laughed out of a job interview?

In an alternate universe, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama are interviewing for a real job: Merchandising Manager at the new Urban Outfitters, opening in the Westchester Mall in White Plains, NY in January 2013.

Urban Outfitters: Gentlemen, welcome to both of you. As you know, this is a group interview, because that is a weird thing that Urban Outfitters actually does. [Source: I saw it happening once.] Let’s start with you, Mr. Romney. Why should we hire you?

Mitt Romney: Thanks, Urban. First I want to thank the great city of White Plains for inviting this great corporation to open another great store in this great mall. Plaid shirts are the engine of the American economy, and I know what it takes to sell them to suburban teenagers and twentysomethings. I know what it takes because I have sold things my entire life. If someone else tells you that he can sell things, well, he can’t. Because I can. Because I know what plaid shirts look like, and I know how to sell them.

UO: President Obama, why should we hire you?

Barack Obama: Well, Urban, first of all, the future is bright for plaid shirts. The future is also dark. I’m thinking big picture here: bright plaid and dark plaid. You have a clear choice between two visions for Urban Outfitters. One involves PBR trucker hats that lost their ironic sheen in the late aughts. The other involves cowboy hats.

MR: This is the kind of equivocation that has allowed J.Crew to dominate the plaid shirt market over the past quarter. This is not what you need in a Merchandising Manager. I know merchandise, and I know managers. Heck! Some of my best friends are managers.

UO: Mr. Romney, how much plaid is too much plaid?

MR: I know how to layer plaid so that the plaids do not clash but compliment each other. This is a very complicated and sophisticated thing that doesn’t really seem possible or practical or necessary, but believe me when I say that I know how to do this. I know, because I know. President Obama over here is more familiar with lying than he is with layers!

UO: Mr. President?

BO: The most important thing we can do is to control our own supply of plaid. Mr. Romney here keeps all of his plaid in the Cayman Islands!

MR: No, you.

BO: No, you.

Slapfight ensues.