This week’s “Saturday Night Live” cold open absolutely skewered “Fox & Friends.”
At one point Rupert Murdoch, their boss, couldn’t stand the sight or sound of Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade, who reside in a make-believe world powered by the noxious fumes of oversimplification, the stench of fear and the joyous tears of Christmas morning.
At the end of the sketch, the trio tosses to commercial break. Before they go, though, the in-house fact-checking team corrects some of the errors from the first two hours of that day’s broadcast. Watch the video here, and then scroll down for our transcript of that hilarious list.
LIST OF FOX & FRIENDS ERRORS ON SNL:
• There are currently no bills before the House that would require a woman to have a transvaginal ultrasound before buying sunglasses.
• The Taliban is not producing a cereal called “Honey Bunches of Goats.”
• Kirk Cameron is not the voice of Siri.
• Miss America is not third in the order of succession for the Presidency, nor is Miss Teen USA fourth.
• Airplanes do not fly by flapping their wings.
• Patricia Heaton did not win a Nobel Prize for her work on “Everybody Loves Raymond.”
• Hail consists of frozen water; it is not “made of sins.”
• President Obama does not plan to take the forwarding option away from e-mail.
• Disney World is not planning to add Rush Limbaugh to their Hall of Presidents.
• Nowhere in the Bible does it mention Garth Brooks or Chris Gaines.
• Turtles do not have “tiny TV’s and sofa beds” inside their shells.
• Pete Rose did not receive a lifetime ban from the Hallmark Hall of Fame.
• “National Treasure” is not a documentary even though it feels very real.
• Wisconsin is an American state and not “just a bit.”
• Mormons breathe air.
• Horses do not have “teeth so sharp you wouldn’t even believe it.”
• Children raised by same-sex couples are not statistically more likely to let the American flag touch the ground,
• “Psych” is a popular detective show on the USA Network, not a super-secret NASA Mind experiment.
• It takes more than five to six months of medical school to become a surgeon.
• Sour Patch Kids are a snack food and therefore physically incapable of pulling a knife on someone.
• Congress has not declared a war on jean shorts.
• It is unlikely that Fareed Zakaria is Willem Defoe in character.
• Babies tend to like hugs.
• It is not illegal to discard a Christmas tree.
• John Wilkes Booth was not wearing a hooded sweatshirt when he shot President Lincoln, nor were the Lincoln’s attending a staging of “The Vagina Monologues.”
• There is no federal program called “Cash for Bees.”
• You do not need a spaceship to get to China.
• The Watergate is a hotel in Washington D.C., not a portal to an undersea kingdom.
• The new World Trade Center does not transform into a karate robot.
• Seeing-eye dogs are neither able to nor allowed to drive.
• It is likely that immigrants do not feed on the blood of our cattle at night while we are all sleeping.
• Baseball is a land sport.
• It is widely accepted that ears are used for hearing.
This post originally ran on our objectively awesome DC-focused site, Distriction.
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