Haiku-na Matata: A Treasury of Republican Presidential Haiku Since neither political party seems hellbent on actually governing, maybe it’s best we just skip over the remainder of 2011 and fast forward to the impending silly season that is campaigning. Politicians have a flare for the campaign, but very few of them seem to grasp the concept of effective governance. So let’s play to everyone’s strengths and just dive right in to the 2012 Presidential Sweepstakes. Forget the debt ceiling debate, forget foreign policy, forget entitlement reforms and income inequality and unemployment. The time to step up and talk about why you’re obviously better than the other guy is much more important than actually being better than the other guy. But since the 2012 Republican field is so crowded, we thought we’d ask each potential candidate for president to introduce themselves to you using the 17-syllable lost art of haiku. Without further (Freddy) ado, the time to say “Haiku me!” is now… Ex-Speaker Newt Gingrich Hey, remember that Contract with America? (I cheated on it.) Former Gov. Mitt Romney First I give health care Then I poop on health care, so Now I find you jobs! Rep. Michele Bachmann Crazy eyez killah My husband is fabulous So, which camera? Rep. Ron Paul Gold isn’t money? “Cash: Just as good as money,” Yogi Berra says Herman Cain, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO Black and nuts isn’t a lifestyle choice, it’s a solid campaign pledge Former Sen. Rick Santorum Like it ruff, I pun My name’s synonymous with… meh, just Google it. Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani Hai guyz, remember there was that 9/11, And I was teh awesome? Former Gov. Tim Pawlenty Milquetoast. Paint drying. I am THE Tim Pawlenty Excited yet, bitch? Former Gov. Gary Johnson You thought we’d never smoke weed with Willie again. White house roof, open Political Celebrity Sarah Palin Have you seen the film? The Undefeated, it’s called No? Nobody? Hmm. Jon Huntsman, Jr. The right hates my guts They think I’m “moderate,” but I’m right of Reagan. Someone Named Fred Karger To say that I’m a “lesser-known candidate” would be a compliment Rep. Thadeus McCotter Sing it: “Welcome back Your dreams were your ticket out” Aaaand, that’s about it. Gov. Rick Perry Heard calling from God He wants me to run for Prez Sorry, call waiting. In case Arnold Schwarzenegger runs Tough on the budget Tougher on housekeeper’s kid. Who is your daddy? Third Party Challenger Ralph Nader? How’s Iraq goin’? That’s on me. Better vote for Ralph this time around. And just so you don’t think we’re giving unequal time to the GOP field, we asked the incumbent president to add one of his own. His press team says he came up with this all by himself. President Barack Obama Uhh, let me be clear Make no mistake. Uhh. Err. Uhh. Lost my train of thought Alright, now’s your turn. Haiku us with some 5-7-5s of your own in the comments…