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Haiku-na Matata: A Treasury of Republican Presidential Haiku

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By HVpolitics
July 20, 2011 at 10:00 am



Since neither political party seems hellbent on actually governing, maybe it’s best we just skip over the remainder of 2011 and fast forward to the impending silly season that is campaigning.

Politicians have a flare for the campaign, but very few of them seem to grasp the concept of effective governance. So let’s play to everyone’s strengths and just dive right in to the 2012 Presidential Sweepstakes. Forget the debt ceiling debate, forget foreign policy, forget entitlement reforms and income inequality and unemployment. The time to step up and talk about why you’re obviously better than the other guy is much more important than actually being better than the other guy.

But since the 2012 Republican field is so crowded, we thought we’d ask each potential candidate for president to introduce themselves to you using the 17-syllable lost art of haiku.

Without further (Freddy) ado, the time to say “Haiku me!” is now…

Ex-Speaker Newt Gingrich

Hey, remember that
Contract with America?
(I cheated on it.)

Former Gov. Mitt Romney

First I give health care
Then I poop on health care, so
Now I find you jobs!

Rep. Michele Bachmann

Crazy eyez killah
My husband is fabulous
So, which camera?

Rep. Ron Paul

Gold isn’t money?
“Cash: Just as good as money,”
Yogi Berra says

Herman Cain, former Godfather’s Pizza CEO

Black and nuts isn’t
a lifestyle choice, it’s a
solid campaign pledge

Former Sen. Rick Santorum

Like it ruff, I pun
My name’s synonymous with…
meh, just Google it.

Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani

Hai guyz, remember
there was that 9/11,
And I was teh awesome?

Former Gov. Tim Pawlenty

Milquetoast. Paint drying.
I am THE Tim Pawlenty
Excited yet, bitch?

Former Gov. Gary Johnson

You thought we’d never
smoke weed with Willie again.
White house roof, open

Political Celebrity Sarah Palin

Have you seen the film?
The Undefeated, it’s called
No? Nobody? Hmm.

Jon Huntsman, Jr.

The right hates my guts
They think I’m “moderate,” but
I’m right of Reagan.

Someone Named Fred Karger

To say that I’m a
“lesser-known candidate” would
be a compliment

Rep. Thadeus McCotter

Sing it: “Welcome back
Your dreams were your ticket out”
Aaaand, that’s about it.

Gov. Rick Perry

Heard calling from God
He wants me to run for Prez
Sorry, call waiting.

In case Arnold Schwarzenegger runs

Tough on the budget
Tougher on housekeeper’s kid.
Who is your daddy?

Third Party Challenger Ralph Nader?

How’s Iraq goin’?
That’s on me. Better vote for
Ralph this time around.

And just so you don’t think we’re giving unequal time to the GOP field, we asked the incumbent president to add one of his own. His press team says he came up with this all by himself.

President Barack Obama

Uhh, let me be clear
Make no mistake. Uhh. Err. Uhh.
Lost my train of thought

Alright, now’s your turn. Haiku us with some 5-7-5s of your own in the comments…

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