It’s the biggest election since…well, the last one. No doubt you’re being inundated with interactive maps, repeated 140-character outbursts, Wolf Blitzer droning on about the “Best Political Team on Television,” non-stories about New Black Panthers stealing your elections, Magic Walls and holograms, side-sweep haircuts, professional pants suits, Brit Hume’s lockjaw…
Far be it from us to add to the noise. But, hey, maybe we can keep you informed and entertained at the same time. And hopefully we can get you drunk in the process. It’s a good thing we went for the toughies; because all the low-hanging fruit has been picked already, and the first polls haven’t even closed yet. Like dentist Tim Whatley, we’re just here for the jokes.
So away we go…we’ll be updating as often as possible, and we urge you to comment as often as possible in the section below. Let’s get a little interactivity going, for there’s nothing worse than a guy hanging out in his pajamas staring at the computer, the television, and the wall while chatting with himself in a live blog.
Also, follow our updates on the Twitter @hypervocal, and tweet at us with your best one-liners.
6:23 PM ET: It Begins
The Drudge Siren is out. And despite featuring this story all day…
Drudge calls six races based on exit polls…
6:50 ET: 3-0 GOP!
The Associated Press has reported that three Republicans, all overwhelming favorites, will be serving in the next Congress. Hal Rogers of Kentucky and Mike Pence and Dan Burton of Indiana give the GOP a 3-0 lead in the race to 435.
6:58 ET: First usage of “Comeuppance”
Fox News Charles Krauthammer just said the Democrats are getting their comeuppance and that the American people don’t like the arrogance with which a liberal agenda has been pushed through. He also used the worst analogy possible analogy for jamming through “ObamaCare,” saying it was like a mother force-feeding a child medicine. Shame on Democrats for wanting to give medicine to children.
7:01 ET: Celebration Will Include Kidnapping, Bong Hits and Kicks to the Head
The networks are calling the Kentucky Senate race for Dr. Rand Paul over Jack Conway. Apparently you’re not cool in the media unless you call this “a victory for the Tea Party.” They’re all mistaken: It’s not a victory for the current incarnation of the Tea Party, it’s a victory for the early libertarian version of the Tea Party. And if you’re a Democrat, despite your unfounded fear of Paul’s overturning civil rights, a libertarian is much more palatable than the extremists like Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell.
7:08 ET: Shocker of the Midterms: Senator Jim DeMint defeats Alvin Greene
The man much of the national media wants to anoint “the most powerful man in the Senate” has defeated an unemployed dude who can’t put a sentence together. Congratulations, South Carolina, we know you had no choice really, but you just re-elected a man who has no absolutely business serving the American public and making decisions that affect our lives.
This is a man who boasted that President Obama’s plan to reform our health-care system would be his “Waterloo,” gleefully looking forward to “breaking” the president. This is a man who compared a coup in Honduras to Al Franken’s democratically elected ascendancy to the Senate. This is a man of such measured rhetoric and reason that he told a crowd at CPAC to “take to the streets to stop America’s slide into socialism.” This is a man who, for the second time in six years, asserted his unconscionable position that gays and unwed mothers should not be allowed to teach in public schools. The rest of the country thanks you for giving us six more years of awful governance.
7:22 ET: “But Seriously, Folks”
There’s a race in the Indiana 8th in which Trent Van Haaften is trailing Larry Bucshon. How come the media didn’t inform me about the strong anti-Dutch wave pulsating through the American people? It’s possible Real Americans just didn’t like the way the Netherlands played goons in the World Cup final.
7:26 ET: Throw in the Towel, Dems
Matt Drudge calls the election. Might as well go to sleep now…
7:33 ET: The Best Political Team on Television
CNN just had six people talking at the same time. That’s not a joke. SIX. One of them was Eliot Spitzer, who has the creepiest smile this side of an Amber Alert. Bill Bennett, who loves to tell Americans how best to live their lives despite being having a high-staks gambling addiction, is squawking, too. How many disgraced politicians does CNN want to prop up tonight?
7:44 ET: Kaptur Re-Kaptures
The race for Ohio’s 9th goes to Democrat Marcy Kaptur. Bad news for Nazi enthusiasts everywhere. Ohio residents decided against replacing a woman who fights hard for the working class with a guy who dresses up like a Hitler Henchman…for fun.
7:49 ET: Putting the KY in Kentucky
Lexington, Kentucky just elected its first openly gay mayor. They admired his fierceness: “Voters who think Lexington needs a new direction chose Vice Mayor Jim Gray as the city’s next mayor Tuesday. Gray, a 57-year-old construction company executive, defeated Mayor Jim Newberry, 54, an attorney. He becomes Lexington’s first openly gay mayor and the first businessman who has been elected to Lexington’s top spot since the city and county merged governments in 1974.” Attaboysandgirls, Kentucky! Very encouraging. A Fabulous Victory!
8:00 ET: A Non-Fabulous Loss
Networks are projecting that Marco Rubio will win the three-way dance over Gov. Charlie Crist and Democrat Kendrick Meek in the Senate race in Florida. Following up on the last Kentucky update, Crist lost his chance to become the ten-thousandth non-openly gay politician. NOTE: *Rubio’s seat will be vacated in two years when whoever wins the Republican nomination picks him as a running mate.*
8:01 ET: Not a Witch
Christine O’Donnell loses. She apparently does not have the kind of powers we’ve seen on Bewitched.
8:12 ET: Pot Calling the Kettle
Lots of races are too close to call: Pennsylvania Senate, Illinois Senate, Illinois Governor…and the Florida race between Democratic Congressman Alan Grayson and Republican Dan Webster. Bill O’Reilly just called it by himself, without ballot evidence, and celebrated his defeat. He talked about Grayson lying and using out-of-context quotes for his negative ad against Webster. O’Reilly would never do anything like that. Now come here while we loofah your back.
8:20 ET: Where We Stand, via New York Times
8:22 ET: Boehner Envy
MSNBC’s Chris Matthews looks like he not only dyed his hair but his face as well.
8:30 ET: But Did They Remember To Vote?
Politico’s Ben Smith reports “Five of the top 20 trending search terms on Google right now are about Proposition 19 in California.” Those people are also probably looking forward to Election Day when it comes around. When’s that again, brah?
8:33 ET: Voting for Obama’s Marxist Agenda Will Kill Can Be Hazardous to Your Job
Fox News calls the Virginia 5th for Republican challenger Robert Hurt over Democratic incumbent Tom Perriello. A major post-partisan ironic sadface on that one. President Obama campaigned for Perriello, the only congressman Obama stumped for in the past few weeks. The New Yorker wrote an incredible piece on Obama’s Lost Year back in March, and one reading of it will make you quite disappointed in this result of this race. There goes a true LEADER. Read it.
8:38 ET: Huge Hold for the Dems
The Republicans will now need to run the table in the Senate to take control after the West Virginia Senate race is called for Governor Joe Manchin. Now every Democrat hoping to win in 2012 will be shooting pieces of Obama’s legislative agenda with a rifle. Surefire victory.
8:39 ET: Say Goodnight, Graycie
Fox News projects Democratic incumbent and tell-it-like-it-is maven Alan Grayson will lose his race with Daniel Webster in Florida. Well, we’ll always have this:
8:56 ET: Where We Stand Now, via New York Times
9:00 ET: House Goes GOP
According to NBC News, the Republicans have won control of the House of Representatives. Its current projection is 237-198, with a 13-seat margin of error. That would be a 57-seat pickup for the GOP. But tons of Too Close To Calls in Senate and Gubernatorial races. Among those too close to call? The Brady Quinn matchup for Illinois Governor. Pat Quinn’s building a big lead over Bill Brady, which may or may not be due to dog lovers being swayed by Quinn’s ad that “Bill Brady Will Kill Your Dog.”
9:06 ET: Mr. Enthusiasm Goes to Washington
Your Next Senator from Kentucky Rand Paul begins his speech by issuing the rallying cry: “We’ve come to take our government back!” Who exactly is he taking it back from? Rich white people? Finally!
9:19 ET: The Democrats Are Quick Learners
Nineteen minutes after NBC News projected a 57-seat gain for the Republicans, Democrats are now starting to fear big losses in the House. Great to hear!
9:28 ET: House of the Rising Sun
Louisiana Senate’s just been called for incumbent David Vitter. For analysis, we now go live to another guy who loved to hump hookers on your dime, Eliot Spitzer.
9:36 ET: With a Name Like Rubio
A sext message from a friend: “Marco Rubio sounds like a B student in a public-speaking high school elective.” Agreed. He’s a pretty awful communicator for a guy who’s been billed as the Republican Obama. Either way, we’re still predicting he’s on the GOP’s 2012 ticket.
9:44 ET: Don’t You Let That Deal Go Down
As of right now, former Congressman Nathan Deal has 57 percent of the vote to become Georgia’s next governor (with 43% of precincts reporting). Let’s put aside ALL partisan notions for one second and come together to agree on one thing: If you believe Barack Obama wasn’t born in this country, you do not belong in a position of leadership. End of story.
In November 2009, then-Congressman Deal answered a question in an online chat: “I am joining several of my colleagues in the House in writing a letter to the President asking that he release a copy of his birth certificate so we can have an answer to this question.” And write that letter he did, one month later. When people pointed out that President Obama released a scanned copy of his birth certificate in 2008, Deal replied “I have looked at the documentation that is publicly available and it leaves many things to be desired.” Yup, Deal’s a Birther. And he’s about to become the next governor of a state with 10 million people. Unacceptable.
9:58 ET: Where We Stand Now, via New York Times
10:08 ET: Does the Answer to This Seem Like a Yes Tonight?
10:15 ET: You’re Getting Verrrry Sleepy
MSNBC’s Chris Matthews just interviewed Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. After her repeated political cliches about “listening to the American people” and “cutting taxes,” Matthews asks her “Are you hypnotized tonight? You give me same answer no matter what question I put to you.”
Best tweet comes from @Rubinville:
10:19 ET: Open Snickering
We’re 99% sure Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann are laughing off camera at Eric Cantor. It’s the same “listening to the American people” stuff as the last Republican who got laughed off.
10:24 ET: Nate Silver on #PASEN
From the Election Forecasting Guru’s NYT live blog: “Although Joe Sestak still holds a lead over Pat Toomey in the Senate race in Pennsylvania, it is down to just 4.5 percentage points with 78 percent of precincts reporting. The issue is that most of Mr. Sestak’s strongest areas, particularly Philadelphia, where he gained a net of more than 250,000 votes on Mr. Toomey, have reported at a higher rate than the rest of the state. Sestak has performed reasonably well so far, however, in three counties to the north of Philadelphia: Berks, Lehigh, and Montgomery — and they still have a fair amount of their vote outstanding. It is these counties that may determine whether Mr. Sestak holds on to his lead as Mr. Toomey racks up votes in the rural parts of the state.”
10:40 ET: Badgering Obama
Republicans just won a huge race up in Wisconsin: Businessman Ron Johnson defeated three-term incumbent Russ Feingold. It was called in the last few minutes. It’s already up on his Wikipedia page:
10:53 ET: Seriously Too Fucking Close To Call
With 74% of the precincts reported Republican Mark Kirk has taken a slim lead over Democrat Alexi Giannoulias for Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat. He currently leads by 8,000 votes. Over in Pennsylvania, Republican Joe Toomey just took a slim lead over Democrat Joe Sestak — with 81% of precincts reporting, Toomey’s lead is about 25,000.
10:59 ET: Video Emerges of Bachmann/Matthews Exchange
The clip includes Matthews asking Bachmann whether or not she was hypnotized as well as the Bachmann supporter’s sign making fun of Matthews’ comment about the thrill up his leg (c’mon, Sign Guy, get it right, it’s not “tingle”):
11:06 ET: Where We Stand Now, via New York Times
11:08: via @PaulRieckhoff’s Twitter Feed
From the Executive Director of the Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America: “This one is big. Pat Murphy (D) in PA goes down. First Iraq Vet ever elected is out. http://tinyurl.com/23x79rl #NewVet27 #DADT” Click here for Rieckhoff’s latest piece on HyperVocal: “War Off the Radar, Congress Gets an F.”
11:17 ET: California Goes Blue (But Will It Go Green?)
This just in from the LA Times: Barbara Boxer held onto her seat for Senate, beating former HP CEO Carly Fiorina, while former Governor Jerry Brown became Governor Jerry Brown again after defeating former eBay CEO Meg Whitman. According to the LA Times, “Whitman spent more than $160 million during her campaign, including $141.5 million of her own money, shattering national records for individual spending on a political campaign.” All that money to lose within 20 minutes of the polls closing. Ouch. That’s Brewsters Millions-type stuff (if you haven’t seen it, rent it now!).
No final word on the fate of the pro-pot legalization measure known as Proposition 19. But if it passes, California should be awfully pleased that it approves more of pot more than gay marriage (as of now it’s 40,000 votes to the bad with 2% of California precincts reporting).
11:39 ET: [GOP Pops a Boehner]
Presumptive Speaker John Boehner takes the stage and says “listening to the American People,” “American people’s voice is heard” and “Washington sucks, doesn’t it?” over and over. Wait, another “either their voices.” Wait, cutting spending talking points. Wait, smaller government. Wait, small businesses. Wait, “People’s priorities.” Wait, “People’s House.” Wait, “will of the American people.” Wait, “voice of the American people.” Platitudes and cliches. His speechwriter really played the fuck out of that Election Night Speech Generator tonight.
11:46 ET: Boehner Goes Full Beck
Our next House Speaker just broke down crying. THIS is tomorrow’s talking point. Get yourself together, John! You don’t want your mascara to run and dirty up your orange base!
11:50 ET: Admiral Sestak Down With the Ship
The Associated Press just called the #PASEN race for Republican Pat Toomey over Democratic Congressman Joe Sestak. A brilliant campaign by Sestak, even in a loss. Sestak once accused the Obama administration of offering him a job to get him out of the primary against Arlen Specter. That just might be his first call in the morning.
12:02 ET: As the Nation Goes, So Goes Not Colorado
Pretty incredible story out of Colorado: On a night when Republicans made MAJOR gains all across the country, it appears as if the Republican Party in Colorado might be demoted to minor-party status. So what does that mean? “As the Denver Post reported back in September, minor party status means that Republicans wouldn’t appear at the top of the ballot with the Democrats in 2012 and 2014. Instead, they’ll be listed down with the Libertarian, Green Party and other third-party candidates.” Pretty big. That’s what happens when guys like extremist former Congressman Tom Tancredo sneak in as independents and take votes away from Republican candidates.
12:12 ET Arizona to Brewer: “Jan. Thank You, Jan.”
Governor Jan Brewer has been re-elected by the state of Arizona. We’re guessing the people of her state were won over by her opening statement at the early September debate. Brilliant:
12:20 ET: Where We Stand Now, via New York Times
As Pat Toomey declares victory of Joe Sestak, we take a look at the latest House numbers…
12:31 ET: Harry. Harry. Where Do You Go When the Lights Go Out
Fox News projects a victory for…wait for it…Senator Harry Reid. Very much looking forward to Sharron Angle’s concession speech. Where does Angle go from here? Hell, according to Joy Behar.
1:00 ET: Loose Ends
After nearly 3,000 words spread over more than six hours, HyperVocal News is projecting a short nap for its staff. We’ll be back tomorrow to fill in all the holes. Thanks for hanging out.