You’ve heard from the pundits. Relentlessly. You’ve seen the predictions. Reluctantly. You’ve been to the polling place. Presumably. Now there’s only one thing left to do after you vote as you gather your friends to watch Tuesday night’s midterm election results: Get rip-roaring drunk. Blitzed, you might say.
Before we get started, the usual caveats apply: Drink responsibly. Don’t consume alcohol if you’re under 21. Don’t puke in your friend’s mom’s laundry basket. Don’t urinate in your host’s closet (you don’t want to accidentally golden shower Charlie Crist or Lindsey Graham). And, for everyone’s sake, don’t get belligerent — nobody likes the guy who slurs his words and rips up your landscaping.
You’ll be drunk before 8:03 ET if we make this too easy, so we’re trying for some next-level stuff&nonsense. If we tell you to drink every time you hear someone on Fox gleefully refer to “Speaker Boehner” or someone on CNN masturbatingly refer to “The Best Political Team on Television,” you’d be Chaz Sheen’d before the polls even close in the Middle West. So away we go…
–Every time Keith Olbermann excitedly references an obscure event from 18th Century European history as an allegory for the midterms, pound Jägermeister (and your head into the wall).
–If Chris Matthews reports he felt a thrill going up Rachel Maddow‘s leg, chug a Yuengling.
–Should Wolf Blitzer deviate from his monotone during a live conversation with a hologram of Stephen Wright, dust off something bland and dry to drink slowly. (Major bonus points if Jessica Yellin and Dana Bash get hologram’d in together…”two hologram chicks at the same time, man.“)
–If you notice lingering tension between Jake Tapper and Christiane Amanpour as a result of ABC’s international ringer replacing The Incomparable Tapper’s outstanding interim duty on “This Week,” have a sip of some Persian wine.
–Every time Fox News mentions that SEIU union workers are operating Clark County, NV’s touch-screen ballots or Megyn Kelly dramatically alleges widespread voter fraud, drink one shot of domestic beer (careful, you may be doing the Century Club before the night’s over).
–If, as he breaks down the latest exit polls, you spot a leftover crumb of Chicken Cordon Bleu in Chuck Todd‘s goatee, drink from your Gimlet.
–Every time CNN cuts away from legitimate coverage to promote a very special Anderson Cooper 360 or plug his Facebook page, take a drink of…wait, on second thought, strike that, we said we didn’t want you to get drunk by 8:03 ET.
–And should all the nonstop polling from the last several weeks turn out to be way off (like Samsonite), do a social, turn off the TV and vow to only get your news from us. At least we know we’re full of shit.
Do you have any other official game rules you think should be in play come Tuesday night? Make suggestions in the comments section below. Also, HyperVocal will be live-blogging the Election Night returns, preferably while playing this game in a live chat with you at home. Make sure to come back Tuesday night to play with us. That’s what she sa…ah, forget it.