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Gay Man’s Guide to 2014 World Cup: 56 Hottest Bodies, Great Butts, Bromances and … Jazz Hands

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Fill up thine World Cup if you’re thirsty: Perfect Dude Christmas is upon us.

The World Cup means many things to many people. The pinnacle of international soccer. Flag-waving patriotism. Intense competition. Historic rivalries renewed. But if you’re one of those people who doesn’t give a damn about the sport, the tactics, the pomp nor the pageantry, consider this your month to gawk at 736 fit-as-fook footballers in fitted uniforms — bulging thighs, throbbing calves, and sculpted upper bodies better than any of the headless torsos on Grindr.

CRISTIANO RONALDO; AP Photo/Paulo Duarte

CRISTIANO RONALDO; AP Photo/Paulo Duarte

Before we get to the men you should be watching this month, and watching very closely, let’s go over a few things first. If you’re impatient and desperate and can’t control your impulses, feel free to scroll all the way down to the objectification hotness. I’ll introduce you to 56 of the hottest guys out there, with something for everyone. There will be butts.


Which LGBT-friendly nation should the gays be rooting for?

You might think this would depend entirely on whether you value human rights or human abs, whether you’re stern and serious or whether you’re out of XTube vids and need some fresh material. But the two most gay-friendly countries in this year’s World Cup — Spain and Germany, according to Pew Global — also happen to feature some of the most handsome men in the tourney. Spain has won two straight Euro Championships and the last World Cup, so they don’t need your bandwagon support. The real rooting interest for you is that 32-year-old Xabi Alonso sees the pitch plenty. Flawless. (And given the X-as-SH pronunciation, you can also make a lot of “Not too shabby, Alonso, hashtag dadjokes” comments.)

AP Photo/Michael Sohn

AP Photo/Michael Sohn

Argentina, Pew Global’s most LGBT-friendly country in South America, has better odds to win this thing than any squad except Brazil. And they’ve got Ezequiel Lavezzi, who looks like this, so that’s fun.

Which homophobic jerks should I be booing?

The two least LGBT-friendly countries in the World Cup are Nigeria and Ghana. The latter will play the United States on Monday, and they’re responsible for knocking the Yanks out of the last two World Cups (group stage loss in 2006, first knockout round in 2010). So eff them right in the earhole. But those countries are too obvious, so let’s just root against Italy, who make those Italian hand gestures too often and who routinely say there’s no place in the locker room for out footballers, even though they hang out together in their skimpy briefs quite a bit.

dolce copy

That D&G ad was from 2010. This year’s squad arrived in Brazil like it’s the first day at Hogwarts.

AP Photo/Fabrizio Giovannozzi

AP Photo/Fabrizio Giovannozzi

True Bromance: For Twink Lovers Everywhere

Brazil is the overwhelming favorite with a 45% chance of winning, according to 538′s Nate Silver (Argentina and Germany are second and third at 13% and 11% respectively). But Brazil should also be your personal favorite if you’re into slender-but-totally ripped, mostly hairless, one-named adorableness. For the twink porn fan, keep your eyes on Neymar and Oscar both on the pitch and after the final whistle when the shirts come off and the Molly kicks in.

neymar oscar shirtless

(Hey, Brazil’s got muscle dudes, too — the aptly named Hulk (shirtless!) is a total jock stud):

AP Photo/Andre Penner

AP Photo/Andre Penner

True Bromance: Euro Edition

Sadly, Germany’s heralded, more traditionally blonde bromance of Mario Götze and Marco Reus was sidelined after midfielder Reus was ruled out of the World Cup with an ankle injury. Sehr traurig!

gotze reus buddies

Oh, who does Shakira’s baby daddy play for?

Gerard Piqué is a defender for Spain. Here, go ahead and imagine yourself in this shot.

AP Photo/Emilio Morenatti

AP Photo/Emilio Morenatti

Will I see any Jazz Hands from the players?

Yes, one in particular. The Fosse Is Strong with Arjen Robben, Nederland Talisman. The Dutchman’s got magic to do out there, and his running style can only be described as one-part Pippin original company, one-part Sparky Polastri spirit fingers and one-part waiting for the nail polish to dry, all while maintaing the type of ball control that only few others possess. It’s uncanny, and a joy to watch. The Bayern Munich midfielder also has a flair for the dramatic: He’d have killed it at the Tonys, a dual-threat a la Mark Rylance, winning Best Featured Actor for his supporting role as Man Fired Out of Cannon, and of course, Best Actor for his magnificent star turn in Saving Private Robben: The Musical.

AP Photo/Uwe Lein

AP Photo/Uwe Lein

Hey, don’t they sing show tunes during soccer matches?

The campiest part of club football is the constant stream of show tunes coming from people often described throughout history as hooligans. Liverpool supporters, for instance, serenade the world with “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from the 1945 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Carousel before and after every match. This is a club involved in two of the most fatal fan-crush disasters in soccer history. Belting out show tunes. Proudly.

Sadly, this is international football, and we won’t get show tunes. But in addition to some other sing-song chants you’ll hear from the spectators (forewarned, be thee: every country has some form of “Seven Nation Army” chant), we can still appreciate the national anthems before each match. England’s “God Save the Queen” might be too on the nose for the purposes of camp. Italy’s anthem is very dramatic and Les Mizzy, and Germany’s anthem is a super classical overture. Hosts Brazil have a jaunty and upbeat anthem that’s all over the scales. Algeria’s anthem is a sleeper, you can definitely write some lyrics over this and sell is on Broadway. For my money, Chile has the most underrated anthem of anyone.


Okay, get on with it, SHOW US THE HOTNESS AND BUTTS

The best part of the World Cup is that there’s something for everyone (except maybe bear chasers — not many big-bellied bearded men who can run up and down the pitch seven miles at a time). Into rugged jocks? Ripped, smooth-chested youth? Otters? Asian dudes? Latino guys? Men of color? Men with stubble? Clean-cut boys? Gingers? THEY’RE ALL HERE.

Forwards, in no particular order (image sources hyperlinked):

 

Olivier Giroud, France

936full-olivier-giroud

Karim Ansarifard, Iran

AP Photo/Ronald Zak

AP Photo/Ronald Zak

Giovanni Sio, Ivory Coast

giovanni-sio

Lukas Podolski, Germany

lukas podolski2-horz

Mauricio Pinilla, Chile

mauricio

Granit Xhaka, Switzerland

Granit-xhaka-swiss-footballer-cover

Memphis Depay, Netherlands (click this, trust me)

memphis depay

Alexis Sanchez, Chile

AP Photo/Manu Fernandez

AP Photo/Manu Fernandez

Mario Balotelli, Italy

4099514-3x2-940x627

Ezequiel Lavezzi, Argentina (or here, remember?)

lavezzi shirt

Kevin-Prince Boateng, Ghana

kevin-prince-boateng-melissa-satta-1

Aleksandr Kerzhakov, Russia

Euro-2012-Poland-Russia-Aleksander-Kerzhakov_2779963

Vieirinha, Portugal

vieirinha20

Fernando Torres, Spain (just click all his Google images)

tumblr_ldzvemff981qd9zauo1_500 fernando-torres

Neymar, Brazil

Hulk, Brazil

57a8abe78e364530b66551d9a0e3b758

Raul Jimenez, Mexico

Raul Jimenez (Mexico), Gold Cup Mexico vs Martinique Denver 14th July 2013-0093-L

Edin Džeko, Bosnia-Herzegovina

opyty


Now the Midfielders:

 

Yaya Toure, Ivory Coast

AP Photo/Jon Super

AP Photo/Jon Super

Adam Lallana, England (bottom pic, prepping for World Cup)

AP Photo/Alastair Grant

AP Photo/Alastair Grant

lallana

Panagiotis Kone, Greece

panagiotis-kone-hairstyles12

Yohan Cabaye, France

cabaye10-1

Keisuke Honda, Japan

keisuke-honda-mcdonalds-japan

James Rodriguez, Colombia

FUTBOL.indd

Mix Diskerud, USA

mix

Cesc Fabregas, Spain

668eb6db7ace5ee79591a53c8be82bc0

Juan Mata, Spain

2011-11-12tunel12

Xabi Alonso, Spain

AP Photo/Paulo Duarte

AP Photo/Paulo Duarte

James Troisi, Australia

shirtless

Antonio Valencia, Ecuador

Antonio-Valencia

Daniele De Rossi, Italy

bk4554hdfh

Alex Song, Cameroon

AP Photo/Scott Heppell

AP Photo/Scott Heppell

Andre Schurrle, Germany

Schurrle_2976126

The hottest defenders (USA! USA!)

 

Jan Vertonghen, Belgium

tumblr_mf622ovZW61s07727o1_1280

Fabian Johnson, USA

AP Photo/Julio Cortez

AP Photo/Julio Cortez

Geoff Cameron, USA

AP Photo/Moises Castillo

AP Photo/Moises Castillo

Jerome Boateng, Germany

Jerome-Boateng1

Joseph Yobo, Nigeria

_63409773_yobo[1]

Vedran Ćorluka, Croatia

AP Photo/Darko Bandic

AP Photo/Darko Bandic

Dejan Lovren, Croatia

Dejan Lovren

Georgios Tzavellas, Greece

19

Sergio Ramos, Spain

Joel Veltman, Netherlands

Joel-Veltman-1

Michael Umana, Costa Rica

2013_6_10_mayKDpD6nUIt8L14SYno51

Aurelien Chedjou, Cameroon

FOOT : Lille vs Lorient - L1 - 07/04/2013

Nicolas Lombaerts, Belgium

Nicolas-Lombaerts-Belgium-National-Football-Team-2014

Essaid Belkalem, Algeria

615-340-match-algerie-togo-action-can-2013

Ignazio Abate, Italy

tumblr_m9pxjnuGip1qdi5hfo1_1280

Gabriel Achilier, Ecuador

gabriel_achilier_ecuador

Finally, the goalkeepers

 

Iker Casillas, Spain

1iker

David De Gea, Spain

david-de-gea-0v

Asmir Begović, Bosnia-Herzegovina

Screen Shot 2014-06-12 at 1.24.17 PM

Yuri Lodygin, Russia

Screen Shot 2014-06-12 at 1.22.12 PM

Orestis Karnezis, Greece

orestis-karnezis-hairstyle

Mitchell Langerak and Mat Ryan, Australia

aussie keepers

Don’t say I never gave ya nuthin’. Happy World Cup, you thirsty animals.


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