Fill up thine World Cup if you’re thirsty: Perfect Dude Christmas is upon us.
The World Cup means many things to many people. The pinnacle of international soccer. Flag-waving patriotism. Intense competition. Historic rivalries renewed. But if you’re one of those people who doesn’t give a damn about the sport, the tactics, the pomp nor the pageantry, consider this your month to gawk at 736 fit-as-fook footballers in fitted uniforms — bulging thighs, throbbing calves, and sculpted upper bodies better than any of the headless torsos on Grindr.
Before we get to the men you should be watching this month, and watching very closely, let’s go over a few things first. If you’re impatient and desperate and can’t control your impulses, feel free to scroll all the way down to the objectification hotness. I’ll introduce you to 56 of the hottest guys out there, with something for everyone. There will be butts.
Which LGBT-friendly nation should the gays be rooting for?
You might think this would depend entirely on whether you value human rights or human abs, whether you’re stern and serious or whether you’re out of XTube vids and need some fresh material. But the two most gay-friendly countries in this year’s World Cup — Spain and Germany, according to Pew Global — also happen to feature some of the most handsome men in the tourney. Spain has won two straight Euro Championships and the last World Cup, so they don’t need your bandwagon support. The real rooting interest for you is that 32-year-old Xabi Alonso sees the pitch plenty. Flawless. (And given the X-as-SH pronunciation, you can also make a lot of “Not too shabby, Alonso, hashtag dadjokes” comments.)
Argentina, Pew Global’s most LGBT-friendly country in South America, has better odds to win this thing than any squad except Brazil. And they’ve got Ezequiel Lavezzi, who looks like this, so that’s fun.
Which homophobic jerks should I be booing?
The two least LGBT-friendly countries in the World Cup are Nigeria and Ghana. The latter will play the United States on Monday, and they’re responsible for knocking the Yanks out of the last two World Cups (group stage loss in 2006, first knockout round in 2010). So eff them right in the earhole. But those countries are too obvious, so let’s just root against Italy, who make those Italian hand gestures too often and who routinely say there’s no place in the locker room for out footballers, even though they hang out together in their skimpy briefs quite a bit.
That D&G ad was from 2010. This year’s squad arrived in Brazil like it’s the first day at Hogwarts.
True Bromance: For Twink Lovers Everywhere
Brazil is the overwhelming favorite with a 45% chance of winning, according to 538’s Nate Silver (Argentina and Germany are second and third at 13% and 11% respectively). But Brazil should also be your personal favorite if you’re into slender-but-totally ripped, mostly hairless, one-named adorableness. For the twink porn fan, keep your eyes on Neymar and Oscar both on the pitch and after the final whistle when the shirts come off and the Molly kicks in.
(Hey, Brazil’s got muscle dudes, too — the aptly named Hulk (shirtless!) is a total jock stud):
True Bromance: Euro Edition
Oh, who does Shakira’s baby daddy play for?
Gerard Piqué is a defender for Spain. Here, go ahead and imagine yourself in this shot.
Will I see any Jazz Hands from the players?
Yes, one in particular. The Fosse Is Strong with Arjen Robben, Nederland Talisman. The Dutchman’s got magic to do out there, and his running style can only be described as one-part Pippin original company, one-part Sparky Polastri spirit fingers and one-part waiting for the nail polish to dry, all while maintaing the type of ball control that only few others possess. It’s uncanny, and a joy to watch. The Bayern Munich midfielder also has a flair for the dramatic: He’d have killed it at the Tonys, a dual-threat a la Mark Rylance, winning Best Featured Actor for his supporting role as Man Fired Out of Cannon, and of course, Best Actor for his magnificent star turn in Saving Private Robben: The Musical.
Hey, don’t they sing show tunes during soccer matches?
The campiest part of club football is the constant stream of show tunes coming from people often described throughout history as hooligans. Liverpool supporters, for instance, serenade the world with “You’ll Never Walk Alone” from the 1945 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Carousel before and after every match. This is a club involved in two of the most fatal fan-crush disasters in soccer history. Belting out show tunes. Proudly.
Sadly, this is international football, and we won’t get show tunes. But in addition to some other sing-song chants you’ll hear from the spectators (forewarned, be thee: every country has some form of “Seven Nation Army” chant), we can still appreciate the national anthems before each match. England’s “God Save the Queen” might be too on the nose for the purposes of camp. Italy’s anthem is very dramatic and Les Mizzy, and Germany’s anthem is a super classical overture. Hosts Brazil have a jaunty and upbeat anthem that’s all over the scales. Algeria’s anthem is a sleeper, you can definitely write some lyrics over this and sell is on Broadway. For my money, Chile has the most underrated anthem of anyone.
Okay, get on with it, SHOW US THE HOTNESS AND BUTTS
The best part of the World Cup is that there’s something for everyone (except maybe bear chasers — not many big-bellied bearded men who can run up and down the pitch seven miles at a time). Into rugged jocks? Ripped, smooth-chested youth? Otters? Asian dudes? Latino guys? Men of color? Men with stubble? Clean-cut boys? Gingers? THEY’RE ALL HERE.
Forwards, in no particular order (image sources hyperlinked):
Olivier Giroud, France
Karim Ansarifard, Iran
Giovanni Sio, Ivory Coast
Lukas Podolski, Germany
Mauricio Pinilla, Chile
Granit Xhaka, Switzerland
Memphis Depay, Netherlands (click this, trust me)
Alexis Sanchez, Chile
Mario Balotelli, Italy
Kevin-Prince Boateng, Ghana
Aleksandr Kerzhakov, Russia
Fernando Torres, Spain (just click all his Google images)
Raul Jimenez, Mexico
Edin Džeko, Bosnia-Herzegovina
Now the Midfielders:
Yaya Toure, Ivory Coast
Adam Lallana, England (bottom pic, prepping for World Cup)
Panagiotis Kone, Greece
Yohan Cabaye, France
Keisuke Honda, Japan
James Rodriguez, Colombia
Mix Diskerud, USA
Cesc Fabregas, Spain
Juan Mata, Spain
Xabi Alonso, Spain
James Troisi, Australia
Antonio Valencia, Ecuador
Daniele De Rossi, Italy
Alex Song, Cameroon
Andre Schurrle, Germany
The hottest defenders (USA! USA!)
Jan Vertonghen, Belgium
Fabian Johnson, USA
Geoff Cameron, USA
Jerome Boateng, Germany
Joseph Yobo, Nigeria
Vedran Ćorluka, Croatia
Dejan Lovren, Croatia
Georgios Tzavellas, Greece
Sergio Ramos, Spain
Joel Veltman, Netherlands
Michael Umana, Costa Rica
Aurelien Chedjou, Cameroon
Nicolas Lombaerts, Belgium
Essaid Belkalem, Algeria
Ignazio Abate, Italy
Gabriel Achilier, Ecuador
Finally, the goalkeepers
Iker Casillas, Spain
David De Gea, Spain
Asmir Begović, Bosnia-Herzegovina
Yuri Lodygin, Russia
Orestis Karnezis, Greece
Mitchell Langerak and Mat Ryan, Australia
Don’t say I never gave ya nuthin’. Happy World Cup, you thirsty animals.