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Dennis Rodman’s CNN Lunacy Begs For Our News Series, ‘The Dictator Apprentice’ 

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Slade Sohmer

By Slade Sohmer
January 7, 2014 at 11:27 am



Hey, news flash: Dennis Rodman is a friggin’ lunatic.

Kim Jong-un’s BFF appeared on CNN on Tuesday morning, where Rodman defended his useful idiot basketball diplomacy by screaming at Chris Cuomo and implying that American prisoner Kenneth Bae deserves his fate.

This is legit news, sure, but c’mon, it’s Dennis Rodman. The only thing this interview accomplished is convincing me that The Dictator Apprentice would be one of the highest-rated reality shows in the history of the genre.

HERE’S THE IDEA, AS CONCEIVED BY GREG SEALS AND ME LAST YEAR:

In an effort to inflate its sagging ratings, NBC should order at least 13 episodes of The Dictator Apprentice*, a show in which D-list celebrities pair up with foreign strongmen on behalf of their favorite charities.

With Steven Seagal in Russia to pal around with Vladimir Putin, on the heels of Dennis Rodman’s trip to North Korea, we here at HyperVocal figured why not capitalize on this news momentum and throw down some challenges as part of a grander competition. Let’s meet the contestants:

Dennis Rodman & Kim Jong-un

AP Photo/VICE Media, Jason Mojica

AP Photo/VICE Media, Jason Mojica

Team Jonggy Boy is your classic odd couple: One’s drab with a Helen Keller Sassoon haircut, one’s a flamboyant journeyman who spends 15 minutes at airport security removing all his genital piercings. Playing for the Everything Sunny All the Time Always Good Time Beach Party Foundation, the pair will dominate the obligatory QVC Fashion challenge as they meld their styles with a neon green mesh tank top with built-in nipple clamps and industrial wide-leg khaki slacks with this logo on the rear, Juicy style.

Steven Seagal & Vladimir Putin

AP Photo/RIA-Novosti, Alexei Nikolsky, Presidential Press Service

AP Photo/RIA-Novosti, Alexei Nikolsky, Presidential Press Service

Team Bulletproof Kimono will be playing for the Hard to Kill Crane Migratory Institute. This duo, reportedly friends for decades, has to be considered the favorite: Seagal plans to enlist PETA’s help to smooth out public relations after the Rooster Euthanasia challenge, and Putin has already shown his Apprentice-level acumen when he reached out to celebrities like Boyz II Men, whom he hired to help Russians increase the nation’s birth rate.

Jean-Claude Van Damme & Former PM Silvio Berlusconi*

AP Photo/RIA Novosti, Presidential Press Service, Vladimir Rodionov

AP Photo/RIA Novosti, Presidential Press Service, Vladimir Rodionov

Team Bunga Bunga, going all out for the Big Brother/Little Sister Progamme, is seen here already taunting the competition, and Putin is not pleased. Many viewers will look forward to the martial arts face-off between Van Damme and Seagal, but it’s the Dance Marathon competition where Jean-Claude will be able to show off his Spandexed moves while Berlusconi shouts “Go Pussy!

*Yes, the definition of “dictator” is stretched. Wanna complain? Tweet me.

Danny Glover & Hugo Chavez’s Corpse

AP Photo/Shiho Fukada

AP Photo/Shiho Fukada

Team Weekend at Bernardo’s will be playing for the Venezuelan Breastfeeding & Tiny Cups Organization. If you thought Danny Glover was getting too old for this shit, you’ll just have to imagine him carrying around all of Hugo Chavez’s dead weight throughout all the competitions.

Pope Emeritus & Congo’s Joseph Kabila

via Zimbio

via Zimbio

Team Ebony Ivory Wayans, competing on behalf of the Anti-Prophylactic League, are all about the kids — be it leading an army of child soldiers or systematically hushing altar boys. No matter the competition, this tenacious duo will never quit; well, at least half the team. They have faith.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Joseph Kony

Carl1

Ahh, crap, sorry, that’s just Carl Weathers. Get a stew on, man.

But, admit it, you’d watch The Dictator Apprentice. We’d watch.

dictator apprentice slide

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