Let’s break down this nightmare scenario
lion by lion line by line …
Sharai Mawera was enjoying a spontaneous sexual encounter with her boyfriend when she was mauled to death by a lion on Tuesday.
Her hand brushes against his. He gazes into her radiant eyes, feeling her soul pour out with each blink. She smiles that smile at him. He grins, almost uncontrollably. Suddenly music plays, mystic angels tending harps, rapidly speeding up the tempo and enmeshing with a libidinous bass line, not unlike the badass bottom from the ALF theme. It’s on. Clothes fly, skin on skin, an impromptu tangling of warm flesh. Then, a lion. Shit.
Her boyfriend is believed to have jumped and fled when the lion joined the party. “Unfortunately the woman was mauled to death by the lion, but her boyfriend managed to escape naked,” a source told My Zimbabwe News.
Quick thinking, Romeo! When a lion joins the party, that’s not the good kind of additional pussy. At that point, it’s every sex partner for his or herself, you just run and don’t look back. Leave the clothes, too, nobody needs that Chicago Bears Super Bowl XLI Champs shirt when there’s a lion all up on yer lady.
MORE PUBLIC SEX, BETTER RESULTS:
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The source, by the way, was identified as former U.S. Senator John Blutarsky.
There’s a graf about how the lion attacked from behind, but that’s too easy. Let’s skip ahead to a relevant piece of lion mauling information.
Authorities believe this same lion could be responsible for the death of a local man over the weekend who was said to have disappeared as he walked home from a nightclub. The remains of the man were found Monday on the outskirts of town and a hunt for that lion is still underway.
Is this a mash-up of Se7en and The Lion King? Are we sure this lion isn’t some sort of wannabe deity that’s attempting to wash away sin in the area? Fornicating, that’s a mauling. Nightclubbing, that’s a mauling.
This cat’s hit lust and gluttony — are we about to see five more lion attacks in Zimbabwe involving wrath, greed, sloth, pride and envy? Hopefully the lion, if it has a good sense of irony and comedic timing, saves Pride for last.
Officers believe the same lion could be responsible for both attacks because the woman was mauled and not eaten. They suggest that the lion might not have regained his appetite since eating the man, which would explain the mostly intact state of the woman.
That’s just wasteful. There are starving lions in Africa who would kill for that flesh, and you’re just wasting it? You’re just mauling for sport?