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Star Wars Responds to White House Statement It Won’t Build Death Star

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By HVpolitics on January 15, 2013

The Empire, it seems, has struck back against the White House’s nerdgasmic statement on Friday that it would not build a Death Star.

The official Star Wars response to the response — “Planet Earth Abandons Death Star Project In Face Of Superior Galactic Imperial Power” — is terrific:

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”

Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.

Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.

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white house death star


White House petition-watchers were curious as to whether the administration would respond to a groundswell of support for a plan to “Secure resources and funding, and begin construction of a Death Star by 2016.”

The White House had been mum since it crossed the officially sanctioned 25,000-signature threshold. On Friday, Paul Shawcross, the Chief of the Science and Space Branch at the White House Office of Management and Budget, dropped the hammer. “The Administration does not support blowing up planets,” he wrote on behalf of the White House.

If the brilliant response (check it out here) weren’t enough, the headline to the retort alone — “This Isn’t the Petition Response You’re Looking For” — was worthy of a nerdgasm that reverberated around the Internet.

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