Real Headline: ‘No charges for man over water he gave girlfriend’

Turns out, it’s a bit more serious than the headline would suggest.

Prosecutors say they won’t be filing charges against a 67-year-old Northern California man who was arrested in September on suspicion of attempting to kill his girlfriend by giving her water containing chlorine. Robert Lochridge was arrested after the San Rafael nursing home where his 63-year-old girlfriend was staying reported he was bringing her water with a pungent odor. Police said tests showed the liquid had a high concentration of chlorine.

For a second there, this seemed like Gloria from White Men Can’t Jump came to life and suddenly got legally serious about her demands:

“See. if I’m thirsty. I don’t want a glass of water, I want you to sympathize. I want you to say, ‘Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too have had a dry mouth.’ I want you to connect with me through sharing and understanding the concept of dry mouthedness.”