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Your 2013 Newsmaker All Stars, By Position

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By Max Cea on July 17, 2013

Major League Baseball’s midsummer classic has come and gone. 

The All Star Game marks the unofficial midpoint of the baseball season, and here at Hypervocal, we decided to take a page from the boys of summer and formulate a roster of the biggest newsmakers at the midpoint of 2013.

Edward Snowden: Catcher

In 2013, who has had more experience with catching (the NSA) than Edward Snowden? Snowden, not known for his speed, can also expect a collision at the plate with the U.S. government at some point soon.

via Every Outlet

via Every Outlet

Christopher Dorner: First Base

The Big Dorner proved to be one of the hardest outs for the LAPD. Dorner, shaped like Cecil and Prince Fielder, used his giant power to go on a wild rampage, putting the fear of God into his opposition.


Dzhokhar Tsarnaev and Tamerlan Tsarnaev: Second Base/Shortstop

The Tsarnaev brothers’ Uncle Ruslan gained notoriety this year for repeatedly calling his nephews “losers.” While these loser brothers don’t belong on any sort of all-star team for bombing the Boston Marathon, they have occupied so much of the news cycle in 2013 that we couldn’t keep them out of the lineup. Turning two might be difficult for the brothers; we know Tamerlan has been run over on the field of play before.

Tsarnaev brothers dead

Kim Jung-un: Third Base

Un — or as the back of his uniform reads, “Kim Jong” — has experience calling his shot. To date, however, the North Korean dictator’s bombs have not caused John Sterling to give him a culturally insensitive home run call. His preparations are lax, though, and unfortunately, he’s demanding to bring his personal interpreter, Dennis Rodman, into the clubhouse.

AP Photo/KCNA via KNS

AP Photo/KCNA via KNS

North West: Left Field (natch)

The only thing that was more anticipated than Kanye West’s “Yeezus” was the delivery of North West. As Kimye’s child is still a newborn, she might have trouble with the rules of baseball. To make things easier for her, we decided to use her name as a guide for where to position herself. This child should grow up nice and normal, by the way.

north west

Pope Francis : Center Field

After Pope Benedict stepped down, Pope Francis was met with much trepidation. But he turned out to be one of the most progressive popes ever. The best position for the newly elected Pope is in the center of the outfield, where the angels are. Also: batboys.

AP Photo/Gregorio Borgia

AP Photo/Gregorio Borgia

Aaron Hernandez: Right Field

From Babe Ruth to Roberto Clemente to Ichiro Suzuki, baseball’s best arms have often played right field. Aaron Hernandez recently proved to have one hell of a gun — just ask Odin Lloyd.

AP Photo/Boston Herald, Ted Fitzgerald

AP Photo/Boston Herald, Ted Fitzgerald

John Oliver – DH

With his immaculate speed and power, Lance Armstrong was our original choice to DH. But after admitting to juicing, he became ineligible. Because of his all-star performance filling in for Jon Stewart on the Daily Show, John Oliver seemed like the most natural replacement.

via @SladeHV

via @SladeHV

Rand Paul : Starting Pitcher

Just when you thought baseball couldn’t get any slower, Sen. Rand Paul gets the starting pitcher nod due to his unorthodox stalling tactics.

AP Photo/Senate Television

AP Photo/Senate Television

Charles Ramsey : Closer

After saving three women from their kidnapper in Cleveland, Ohio, Ramsey has proven himself a bona fide stopper. His auto-tuned entrance music should also excite the crowd like Mariano’s “Enter Sandman.”


Paula Deen: General Manager

A general manager has never before been elected to an all-star team. But in a year when Paula Deen has consistently made the news for racist comments, it felt impossible to leave her out of the game. We’ll call her the anti-Branch Rickey.

Paula Deen Insulin  Gravy Diabetes

Mohammed Morsi: Manager

As with his election to the Egyptian Presidency, no one is quite sure how Mohammed Morsi was elected to be the manager of the All-Star game. Chances are he’ll be thrown out before the game’s over.

AP Photo/Amr Nabil

AP Photo/Amr Nabil

Chris Guardaro contributed to this nonsense.

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