What’s Really Happening at the North American International Auto Show There are so many websites throwing hyped slideshows and paginated galleries at you from the 2013 Detroit auto show — heck, even the Christian Science Monitor is on the beat — we thought we’d give you a quick, simple look at what’s really happening in the Motor City this week. “Gorgeous. The 2014 Maserati Quattroporte ain’t bad either!” –Every old dude taking Cialis who thinks he coulda killed in the Catskills (AP Photo/Paul Sancya) “F*&k it, forget the hot model, let’s just have the managing director of Chevrolet Europe take an awkward knee next to our new Corvette Stingray.” (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) Are we Vee-Dub? Or are we dancer? (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) Dr. Dieter Zetsche, Chairman of the Board of Management of Daimler AG, Head of Mercedes-Benz Cars, shows off his long-awaited concept mustache. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya) Guangzhou Automobile Group President Xiangdong Huang is either describing how he steers his racecar bed to Dreamland every night or threatening to beat the concept mustache off any German automakers. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) SEE ALSO: • This Drifting Show-Off Crashes a 20-Year-Old BMW E30 • 25 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Park Like an A**hole Ford Executive Chairman Bill Ford, right, and President/CEO Alan Mulally show off their small dongs next to the Ford Atlas concept pickup. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) Huge dong. (AP Photo/Tony Ding) The Green Lantern-wrapped Kia Soul may or may not turn out to be a bigger flop than that embarrassment of a film with Van Wilder. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) The new Batman-decorated Kia Optima looks kinda cool, but the Bane setting on the GPS is totally incomprehensible. Wait, what? A left? WHERE? (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) Forget fixed-gear bikes, this concept car is what every ironic hipster with a handlebar mustache will be driving in the spring. (The oldest surviving Ford car, 1903 Model A — AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) After seeing this new Corvette Stingray, KITT from Knight Rider totally failed his nocturnal emissions testing. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya, file) Franz von Holzhausen, Chief Designer at Tesla Motors, talks about the kickass doors on the Tesla Model X. Internet nerds proceed to freak out about how awesome Tesla Motors must be because Tesla was the bestest human. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya) Dr. Andy Palmer, Executive Vice President of Nissan Motor Co., introduces the Nissan Resonance to the media. “Trust me, folks, I’m a freakin’ doctor — I’m telling you this car doesn’t look like an Al Roker shart. AT ALL.” (AP Photo/Paul Sancya) “You can only fit like half a dead hooker in this Porsche Boxster trunk.” (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) For overgrown manchildren who still live in mom’s basement, the Hot Wheels edition of the Chevrolet Camaro is the right car for you. (AP Photo/Carlos Osorio) The Acura NSX Concept: no snark, just cool. (AP Photo/Paul Sancya) SEE ALSO: • One Direction Drive Ferraris, You’re Giving Handies for Gas Money • Acura Apologizes for Seeking ‘Not Too Dark’ African-American Actor Slade Sohmer Slade Sohmer is editor-in-chief of HyperVocal and co-host of SiriusXM's daily "Politics Powered By Twitter" program. Tweet him at @SladeHV.