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What Really Happened at Apple’s iPhone 5 Event

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By Cooper Fleishman on September 12, 2012

Apple released several new products today, the most exciting one being a $400 phone with a different color aluminum from the old $400 phone. You may have seen the 7,000 live blogs and Twitter feeds blasting you with a bukkake firehose of Apple updates. But keep reading, because this is what you didn’t see.

These screencaps illustrate a story that’s even truer than Jony Ive’s enormous face cackling as the audience throws heaps of C-notes onto the stage.

Scott Forstall, SVP of iOS software, stops everything and performs Beyoncé’s “Countdown.” His tone is flat and he can’t quite sell the line “Me and my boo in my boo coupe ridin’.” On “six,” the stage explodes, smoke fills the press box, Jony Ive trapeze-flips through the air, and tech hands in the balcony pelt the audience with now-ancient iPhone 4S’s.

To use Passbook, Forstall says, you have to cut your physical cards into thin strips and then insert them slowly into the brand-new Lightning adapter, kind of like sticking crayons in your nose until they lodge in your brain.

And speaking of nose crayons, Apple also unveils an earbud meant for the nostril. Notice one of the buds is a different shape. That’s because it’s meant to fill the nasal cavity with smells that correspond to the music.

The Apple product is a multisensory experience, much like making love to a woman sitting in a bikini and sarong under a sign that says “Shave Ice.” When asked about the phone’s new “integrated touch” feature, Senior Vice President Philip Schiller giggles, squirms, elbows you in the rib and says, “Come on, ya wise guy!”

That’s the entire demonstration. It ends when a gigantic, floating, disembodied head of a child comes crashing into Schiller.

Now for the event you’ve all been waiting for: the iPhone 5 release. Eddy Cue holds in his hands the actual iPhone 5, which is invisible. This only hardware is a chip you embed in your molar to field calls (although later releases expect to remove the whole “phone” feature altogether). The interface is sent to your retina via super-tiny Foxconn employees with laser pointers.

Bill Gates dressed up as Tobias Fünke makes a cameo to plug the new season of Arrested Development, which is available to watch only on the iPod Nano. The Nano now comes in every hue listed in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Then the Foo Fighters play. No, they actually play. Instead of Coldplay (whose lead singer’s spawn is named Apple, for chrissake). Shit is getting weird over in Cupertino.

Tim Cook pops open a PBR, takes a sip and pours the rest on the stage. “This is for Steve,” he says. Then he throws up the Spocker, shouts, “Peace, bitches,” and rides away on his Segway.

See you in 2013.

Cooper Fleishman is HyperVocal’s managing editor. Send him any collection of pictures and he will write absurd captions for them. This is a promise. Follow him on Twitter, too.

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Images via The Verge and CNet.

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