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Was Mike D’Antoni’s Mustache Actually Coaching the New York Knicks?

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By Ryan O’Hanlon on March 14, 2012


Or: Carmelo Anthony Is a Selfish, Ball-Hogging Demon-Troll.


Mike D’Antoni is dead. Er, he’s resigned as head coach of the New York Knicks. Yes, that’s what I mean. Sure, the Knicks are spiraling down through the nine circles of hell, and tonight may very well mark the first time a game is canceled because a group of fans tried to eat a real, living player while he’s in the middle of taking a foul shot, but that’s of secondary import. What really matters here is that Mike D’Antoni’s mustache will no longer be on television every night.

Mustaches are weird, but there’s definitely something to be said for a man who, in the year 2012, tends to all of his facial hair except the tiny patch above his upper lip. The thing to be said is: DO YOU NOT OWN A MIRROR HOW CAN YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF EACH DAY AND THINK THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS GOOD?

Also, to be said: Does food get stuck in there?

Also, also, to be said: How do you not touch it every five seconds? If so, you probably have some irritation under there and maybe even acne, so maybe it’s a good thing you have a mustache, in a self-fulfilling-prophecy kind of way?

Last thing to be said: WHY THE HELL DO YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE?

But D’Antoni’s mustache says more about his resignation than he ever will because his mustache covers his face and, when he speaks, it actually looks like his mustache is doing the talking and not actually his own human mouth. And, perchance, maybe that was the problem all along?


D’Antoni’s resignation comes on the heels of a smattering of New York newspaper stories filled with anonymous sources basically saying: 1) Carmelo Anthony hates most things, especially Mike D’Antoni and not necessarily Jeremy Lin. 2) Mike D’Antoni’s system hasn’t worked since Carmelo came back. And 3) Baron Davis may/may not be feeding the kittens living in his beard with Steve Novak’s secret-cheese stash.

D’Antoni’s system, presumably, worked before the Knicks traded for Carmelo Anthony and for the brief stretch when Jeremy Lin was a combination of Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Alexander the Great, the weird-looking guitarist from Limp Bizkit and murderous-stage Jack Lalane, and Melo was hurt. Other than that, the team has been occasionally horrifying and usually depressing.

(Here would be the point where a “sports blogger” would point out things like: the Knicks semi-easy schedule during Lin’s rise, the Knicks super-tough schedule after Melo’s return and the compressed, no-time-for-practice nature of this shortened NBA season. Life is short, however. There is no time for “analysis,” “statistics” and all of these other “things” that won’t mirror your opinion.)

As the story goes, the Knicks haven’t been playing well because Mike D’Antoni’s “system” can’t work with a selfish, ball-hogging demon-troll always messing things up. Enough with the system! What about good old-fashioned men? What about Mike D’Antoni, the man? Forget the “system.” Where is he? Does anyone know if Mike D’Antoni truly exists in the way we know human beings to inhabit the Earth? How about he takes some responsibility for himself and his team, rather than pushing it all of on his so-called “system”?

See, it’s a cop-out, just like having a mustache. D’Antoni’s seven-seconds-or-less and his mustache are symbols for each other, both obfuscations of the self, ways for a man to never have to come to terms with who he really is. Maybe one day this man will cast off his upper-lip hair-veil, but that day is not today. If it were, Mike D’Antoni’s lip would be clean, and he’d still be coaching the Knicks. These are facts.

Ryan O’Hanlon lives in Brooklyn, where he writes and tweets things. He used to play soccer and go to college, neither of which he will ever get over.

Image via edenpictures/Flickr


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