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Tim Tebow, Here’s Your Handy Guide to Gotham

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By Cooper Fleishman on March 21, 2012

As you might have heard by now, Saints head coach Sean Payton has been suspended for one year for running a “bounty” program that rewarded players for harming opponents. This is a major decision that ties into the integrity of the NFL and of physical sport itself.

But for some inexplicable reason, it pales in comparison to the news that the Broncos’ two-second prayer guru, Tim Tebow, will be traded to Rex Ryan and the New York Jets in exchange for two draft picks. Squeaky-clean Tebow coming to New York, city of left-wing, Communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers (according to Woody Allen)? Not to mention foot-fetishists, of course.

What will Tebow do here? How will he navigate the sin- and vice-filled morass that is Manhattan? Will he, overwhelmed, move on to bigger and better things?

Tim, rest assured: HyperVocal has you covered. Here’s our handy guide to all the those mindblowing New York things we residents totally take for granted.

1. You can get an abortion in four out of five boroughs — and Jersey.

Planned Parenthoods can be found in Brooklyn, the Bronx, Manhattan, Staten Island and just over the river. This means that no matter what direction you look, free reproductive health care is being provided. And 3 percent of those services (or is it “well over 90“?) include NON–TAXPAYER FUNDED ABORTIONS. Tim, this city does not value its fetuses. But will it value its Tebows? Will the Jets try to abort you? You should sort this out before arriving.

2. Stay away from this place called the “West Village.”

We put scare quotes around it to literally scare you. Seriously, before you can chuckle at the name “Gay St.,” two men more muscle-bound than you are will attack your peripheral vision with their unrepentant homosexuality. They will be holding hands like nothing’s the matter, like they don’t even know the’re facing an eternity in hell. And they will not be happy when you talk to them about saving their souls. Oh no. You should not do that here. See No. 3:

3. The subway: It’s like a church, but underground!

You may be surprised to hear this, but on the public-transportation system in-the-know folks call the “Subway,” Christian sermons thrive. People flock from far and wide to hear modern-day prophets talk about God’s love. Then they exit and head to these things called “jobs,” where they wait eight hours before coming back for another sermon. People just can’t get enough! And all types come out: Muslims, gays, fornicators, you name it. Just think: They could be listening to you! It’s just a really amazing place to push your beliefs on people who have no choice but to listen to you. It definitely helps if you have those pithy comic-strip booklets to give out.

4. The people in the funny hats are called “Jews.”

Don’t be scared — they’re friendly! At a Jewish deli, try a pastrami sandwich with swiss cheese on rye bread. It’s delicious, but you must remember not to order any pork. Jews celebrate their own holidays, many of which are hard to keep track of and don’t have Christmas trees. The hats are called “yarmulkes.” On Fridays and Saturdays, they can’t use electricity. Some people who look perfectly WASPy are Jews! Isn’t it crazy that you worship the same god?

5. There are lots of things to Tebow on.

The Statue of Liberty, the Brooklyn Bridge, the NYPL, the Chelsea Hotel, Ground Zero — this is a great photo shoot waiting to happen. There’s no better way than to mark your territory and draw attention to yourself than praying all over it.

6. New York already has a favorite Christian athlete.

You guys are gonna have such awesome bro times, though.

(West Village image via asterix611)

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