Since Chris Brown’s appearance at the 2012 Grammys three years post–Rihanna beating, the notorious actor/dancer/nonprofessional intergender boxer has gotten a few well-publicized invitations to fight someone who can fight back. First there was the Twitter campaign of amateur MMA fighter @ChrsBrwnChllnge; then WWE champ CM Punk’s scathing video message.
Obviously, with both parties, there’s no chance an actual throwdown will ever occur. But that’s because both of those plans involve Chris Brown’s consent to getting beaten up. You dummies!
What we need is true Internet Justice.
Kevin Seccia, fisticuffsmanship guru and proprietor of the hilarious satirical blog How to Beat Up Anything, thinks it’s time to raise the stakes and hire a mercenary black-eye assassin. He’s offering a thousand-dollar bounty on Brown, with the caveat that OF COURSE HE IS KIDDING, THIS IS ILLEGAL, BUT IF SOMEONE JUST HAPPENS TO BEAT CHRIS BROWN UP, THAT PERSON WILL RECEIVE $1,000. (Also, there are some rules: at least two punches to the face, knock him down, film the whole thing.)
Hello! Thank you in advance for reading this. I am offering a bounty of one thousand dollars to the first person who beats up Chris Brown.
Grammy Awards, there is blood on your hands. Not actual blood, of course, like the kind Chris Brown had on his hands after he committed that heinous crime he never paid for, I’m talking about the figurative kind.
Seccia contacted a lawyer, who told him that if someone actually assaulted Brown, Seccia could be charged with criminal solicitation: “You arguably solicited, requested, commanded, importuned or otherwise attempted to cause someone else to engage in criminal conduct.” So, Seccia says,
So, for legal reasons I will say this is partially a joke, and partially a way to bring some measure of pain and discomfort (non-physical) to a terrible, vicious human being who deserves far worse, HOWEVER, if you were to hit him and then email me video proof of that beating, I would absolutely, one hundred percent guaranteed send you a thousand dollars. You know, that money I already owed you, or something.
(Honestly, I like our chances with a sane jury.)
The man is committed. He’s done his research. He’s written a level-headed call to arms. He really, really wants to see Brown’s ass kicked — and he’s trusting that a lot of people do too. There are worse ways to spend $1,000. No one can say Chris Brown doesn’t deserve it.
Still, I have my doubts that beating up this angry, psychotic domestic abuser is going to do any good for the world, even if it is incredibly cathartic for a lot of us. I have a sneaking suspicion that Brown, the weak-willed child that he his, would react to an assault by taking out his anger on someone weaker than him, perhaps a woman, perhaps Rihanna again. Years of abuse and normalized violence are what led to that assault in the first place.
Brown has the immaturity and petulance of someone whose development was severely halted in adolescence. In his warped and abuse-addled worldview, sending your girlfriend to the hospital is just part of life. It’ll take a lot of learned empathy and immersion in domestic-abuse education for him to admit that what he did is not OK, and it’ll take a major revolution in the music industry before institutions like the Grammys stop endorsing him and reinforcing his belief that us haters should just get over it.
Beating him up won’t change the man, but it’d sure be entertaining. Maybe that’s all we can ask for. I’d sure as hell watch a clip of it on WorldStar.
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