Step away from the ledge, Mitt…you just won Iowa.

Mitt Romney finally picked up that coveted gold medal in Iowa. Out of the record-high Republican vote tally of 122,255, Romney beat out Rick Santorum by just eight votes. Eight. That’s one lawn sign. That’s a van full of Romney voters getting a flat tire. That’s the Duggar Family choosing to support Santorum.

Romney, who finished second in Iowa in 2008, had been campaigning there for about five years. But still he almost got clipped by a man who was demolished by 18 percent on the way out of his Senate seat in 2006, a man who thinks gay marriage will lead to man-on-dog sex, a man who brought his stillborn baby home to meet and cuddle with his siblings, a man who thinks contraception is a bridge too far.

This is the state of the Modern GOP: The former Massachusetts governor lost a man who once said “One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country,” the former Pennsylvania senator said. “It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

That’s right, Romney nearly lost Iowa to the strict Pastor Dad from Footloose.

For now, with a 30,015 votes to 30,007 vote margin of victory, the Mitt Romney Suicide Watch has been temporarily lifted. Mitt can smile knowing he won, no matter if it was winning ugly.

Some random notes from Iowa:

• If you already think there’s no good reason Iowa gets to go first, this Fox News entrance poll nugget may make you madder than ever. How representative is Iowa of the nation? Not at all. In this poll of 701 Republican respondents, 99 PERCENT were white. The 1 percent, classified as other, was livestock.

• Ron Paul’s campaign won “Trash Talk of the Night” with this tweet to Jon Huntsman:

• The highlight of the night came in the former of canine eyewear. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann in her concession speech mentioned her pray-away-the-gay husband Marcus’ ability to shop for doggy sunglasses while away from home. His reaction shot is typically swishy priceless:

• Romney and Santorum each split about 25 percent of the vote. Rep. Ron Paul won 21%, Newt Gingrich took home 13% (and then made it clear he will take down Romney at all costs). Gov. Rick Perry was at 10%, Rep. Michele Bachmann finished sixth with 5%, and former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman had 1%.

• Does “winning” really mean anything? Not really. There were 25 delegates at stake in the Iowa caucuses, and it’s estimated that Romney, Santorum and Ron Paul will each win seven, with Gingrich and Perry winning two. A candidate needs 1,114 delegates to win the nomination.

Now it’s onto New Hampshire, where we’ll see whether Huntsman was right in skipping Iowa for retail politics there, whether Rick Santorum has momentum, and whether Mitt can add to his totals.

Click Page 2 below for more videos from the night in Iowa…

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