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Researchers Find Gay Dolphins, Who Will Now Star in Our Drama-Filled Reality Show

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We introduced you to a pair of delightful gay penguins, Buddy and Pedro, who those damn breeders at the Toronto Zoo split up for the sake of procreation. Now it’s time to meet some same-sex dolphins.

When researchers from the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth studied 120 bottlenose dolphins in Shark Bay, Western Australia, they found some of the males were all about the males.

“I work on the male dolphins, and their social lives are very intense – it seems there is constant drama,” study co-author Richard Connor told Discovery News (by way of the Daily Mail). Connor then added, “I have often thought, as I watched their complicated alliance relationships, that their social lives would be mentally and physically exhausting, and I’m glad I’m not a dolphin.”

Drama! CONSTANT DRAMA! “Tell me about it,” said almost every gay male in a metropolitan area.

That got us thinking: If there’s so much drama in the L.B.Sea, wouldn’t this make for the perfect premise for an LGBT-themed reality show on Animal Planet, Logo or, wait for it … the Sea-W?

So we cast a wide net and reeled in a pod of impressive attention-whore dolphins who asked to participate in this carefully scripted ‘reality’ show, tentatively titled “Thar He Blows!” Allow us to introduce you to this small subset of sassy characters who we’ll be profiling this season.

The Cast

Kody: The All-American Twink — When not pining for the father he never knew and suggestively sucking on squid-flavored Ring Pops, this preciously sexed-up dolphin can be found writhing around to Lady Flipper pop hits in the wee small hours.

He’s naturally smooth, never self-aware, and always ready to squeak the phrase “I’mma bad bitch!”

Turn ons: muscles, hairy fins, alpha males
Turn offs: going to sleep, poor dolphins

 

Bruce: Master in Leather — Often found way down in the depths of the ocean, usually strapped in a harness, this dominant male loves to wrassle rough and roll around in its sweaty essence.

He puts a lot of stock in masculinity, exhibitionism, sex as play, and, of course, lots and lots of collars. He’s at once harsh but gentle, disciplinary but sincere; a heart of gold, covered in chrome.

Turn ons: street fairs, leashes, the word “masc”
Turn offs: fem boys, privacy, regrets

 

Antoine: Down-Low Dolphin — Known to swim and mate publicly with females, this infidel (pictured left) can often be spotted in the company of his fellow males when he’s supposed to be out “watching the game.”

This self-identifying hetero often questions the “upstream” media’s perceptions that dolphins like him are spreading disease within the community. He ain’t gay. No, really. He’s just checking his Flippr app frequently to see “what’s good.”

Turn ons: giant fins, R&B
Turn offs: flam-buoyancy

 

Kyoung-Joo Lee (aka Kev): The Asian Delight — Armed with a lithe little body and bottomless blowhole, this submissive aims to please all comers (any port in a storm!). Nothing if not pensive and deep, he consistently fights feelings of inferiority generated by a culture that generally ostracizes gaysian dolphins as nothing more than a good time.

Turn ons: easy stereotypes from non-dolphin jerks
Turn offs: other gaysian dolphins

 

Hook-ups and hang-outs, relationships and romance, deceit and DRAAAAMAAAAAA! Tune in: Thursdays at 8 p.m. Mountain Time, for a look at the premiere episode of “Thar He Blows!”

(Exquisite Photoshop work by Cooper Fleishman)