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15 Legitimate Things My Magical Vagina Can Shut Down

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By India Kushner on August 22, 2012


“From what I understand from doctors, if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Everyone on and off the Internet is talking about women’s health expert Todd Akin’s claim that the female body has biological filters that stop rape sperm in its tracks and render all abortion unnecessary.

Though Akin quickly apologized, his assertions on science and rape created a huge backlash, with Eve Ensler writing him a HuffPo essay and doctors repudiating his pseudoscience.

But we think the Senate candidate has a point. (He is a representative, after all.) I was delighted to learn my body had powers I wasn’t aware of. If our vaginas are as magical as Todd Akin says, just think of what other bullshit they can shut down!

1. The gender wage gap

From what I understand from doctors, if my reproductive organs can shut down pregnancy from rape, it can certainly earn an extra $0.23 on a man’s dollar.

William Joyce

2. Roofies

From what I understand from doctors, if roofies are used in a case of “legitimate” rape, or “rape-rape,” the girl’s body has a way of shutting that down and expelling the poison. Unless the girl was drunk, in which case she was asking for it. And if she gets pregnant, you know it wasn’t rape-rape.


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3. Unequal influence in Congress

When an all-male hearing won’t hear a woman speak on a women’s issue, shut it down.


4. Street harassment


5. Bees


6. Jaws and other killer sharks

That is, if the shark attacks are “legitimate.”


7. Global warming

If, as you PC lib’rals claim, global warming is not a hoax, we women have a way of shutting that whole thing down.


8. A zombie apocalypse


9. Calling women sluts for wanting healthcare to cover their birth control

10. All future covers of “Call Me Maybe”

Except for the Cookie Monster’s. He can do whatever he wants.

11. Pedophiles coaching at schools when it’s obvious they’re molesting students


12. Dudes wearing Crocs

Yusuf C

13. Extinction

It’s not rich people’s fault that polar bears have nowhere to live. We need oil! But if it’s a “legitimate” issue, there are hippie tree huggers with uteruses who have ways of shutting that whole thing down.

Scorpions and Centaurs

14. Forest fires

If it’s a “legitimate” forest fire, only you (and your vagina) can prevent them.

Wayne National Forest

15. Political candidates with ridiculous ideas about rape who run for Congress

If the candidate is a legitimate idiot who believes women who become pregnant from rape weren’t “legitimately” raped, all citizens with and without magical vaginas have a way of shutting that whole thing down. All of it.

He’s got no chance whatsoever.

International Digital Times

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India Kushner is a HyperVocal staff writer. Follow her on Twitter here.

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• ‘Legitimate Rape’ Rarely Causes Pregnancy, Says GOP Nominee Who Just Handed Over Election

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