Things came to a Grinding halt in London this week.
Olympic athletes touching down at Heathrow for the 2012 Olympics were met with bigger fanfare than The Beatles. The instantaneous influx in London-based users caused such a surge in the use of the popular gay hookup application Grindr that it crashed the server for 24 hours.
If your unfamiliar with the app (stop lying, we all hear that familiar Grindr alert tone emanating from your pocket!), it works much like a divining rod to help you find that divine rod. For its nearly 4 million users, it’s a glorified gay GPS with a bigger lisp than your Garmin, assisting you in locating the closest user from your current location, allowing you two to chat at length about the latest episode of “The Newsroom,” Proust, or dick size.
Whether the crash was brought about by athletes trying to locate one another and snap towels in the locker room after practice, or by locals simply trying go for the gold in competitive hot dog eating remains to be seen. One thing is for certain: It’s probably the finest crop of headless toned torsos the app has ever seen. Their profiles might say they’re just in it for “networking,” but that’s just because “penetrate my Olympic ring” wasn’t an option.
Though many are quick to dismiss the app as a dick delivery service, perhaps these athletes were simply looking to honor the tradition and origin of the games. You know, by choosing to celebrate, as they once did in ancient Greece at the first Olympic games, with a bit of oiled nude man-on-man wrestling — but no queer stuff!
Olympic Village is rumored to be hornier than Hedonismm, as athletes in peak physical form who spend countless hours in the gym populate it. A cloud of hormones hangs thick in the air like a spray of perfume at the Saks beauty counter, and the village vibrates with the visceral need for release.
Introduce Grindr, and the Olympic Village becomes a veritable handjob hotspot, as nations come together in a circle jerk of unity, taking one another’s Olympic torches in hand and stoking the flame, embodying the true international spirit of the games.
If this is what happens during the summer games, imagine the winter Olympics. Between the lycra and male figure skaters, Grindr is probably already hard at work strengthening its servers in Sochi, Russia for 2014.
Now, if anyone needs me, I’ll be partying West Bank-style with the Israeli delegation, where they keep things a bit more kosher.
Greg Seals is a guy who writes things after making silly poses. Sometimes he’s a funny person. Sometimes. Indulge his sense of self-importance and follow @GregSeals on the Twitter.