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Fired Keith Olbermann Can Work at HyperVocal, But Only Under These Conditions

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Surprise, surprise, Keith Olbermann is out of another job.

The oft-fired news host on Friday afternoon was axed from Current TV, the oft-ignored network that offered him a life raft in February 2011 after MSNBC dumped him for what it deemed unethical campaign contributions. Olbermann, as you’d expect, is not going quietly, tweeting a fiery 11-part response directed at network honchos Al Gore and Joel Hyatt in which legal action was mentioned.

We have been thinking about getting into the live streaming news business, and Olbermann’s exit on Friday offers a perfect opportunity for us to do that. Of course, where Keith Olbermann goes, so goes draaaammmma, so we’re offering him a low-paying job with the following conditions. He must:

1. Re-grow the SportsCenter ‘Stache

2. Continue to emphasize words for emphatic emphasis

3. Change Worst Persons in the World segment to Persons Who Eat a Bag of Dicks

4. Pay a $10,000 per night hosting fee to cover in house therapy for our other staff

5. Devote one story every night to strangely arousing pictures of trees

6. Update the HyperVocal site on weekends

7. Keep a pet monkey on his desk

8. Name that monkey Señorita Schwartzbaum

9. Substitute the phrase “a total Schiavo” for “no-brainer”

10. Eat only Funyuns throughout the month of May

11. Dig up and interview the corpse of Gerald Ford once per quarter

12. Swallow and poop out $180,000 of heroin … as a goof

13. Fight Tipper Gore to the death on Ustream

14. Drop a bucket of TGIFriday’s Jack Daniels sauce on any guest who says “I don’t know”

15. Be more condescending

That’s better than Lindsay Fünke’s list of won’ts and Tobias Fünke’s list of can’ts.

Let’s do it, Keith. We can make magic together. Call us up: 555-5785.

 


 

Here’s Olbermann’s full statement, which he tweeted piecemeal after the firing:

I’d like to apologize to my viewers and my staff for the failure of Current TV.

Editorially, Countdown had never been better. But for more than a year I have been imploring Al Gore and Joel Hyatt to resolve our issues internally, while I’ve been not publicizing my complaints, and keeping the show alive for the sake of its loyal viewers and even more loyal staff. Nevertheless, Mr. Gore and Mr. Hyatt, instead of abiding by their promises and obligations and investing in a quality news program, finally thought it was more economical to try to get out of my contract.

It goes almost without saying that the claims against me implied in Current’s statement are untrue and will be proved so in the legal actions I will be filing against them presently. To understand Mr. Hyatt’s “values of respect, openness, collegiality and loyalty,” I encourage you to read of a previous occasion Mr. Hyatt found himself in court for having unjustly fired an employee. That employee’s name was Clarence B. Cain.

In due course, the truth of the ethics of Mr. Gore and Mr. Hyatt will come out. For now, it is important only to again acknowledge that joining them was a sincere and well-intentioned gesture on my part, but in retrospect a foolish one. That lack of judgment is mine and mine alone, and I apologize again for it.

Here’s the top part of an open letter to Current viewers by Al Gore and Joel Hyatt:

To the Viewers of Current:

We created Current to give voice to those Americans who refuse to rely on corporate-controlled media and are seeking an authentic progressive outlet. We are more committed to those goals today than ever before.

Current was also founded on the values of respect, openness, collegiality, and loyalty to our viewers. Unfortunately these values are no longer reflected in our relationship with Keith Olbermann and we have ended it.

We are moving ahead by honoring Current’s values. Current has a fundamental obligation to deliver news programming with a progressive perspective that our viewers can count on being available daily — especially now, during the presidential election campaign. Current exists because our audience desires the kind of perspective, insight and commentary that is not easily found elsewhere in this time of big media consolidation.

Oh, and if you’re curious, disgraced former New York governor and former poorly rated CNN host Eliot Spitzer will take Olbermann’s 8 pm ET time slot at Current. He’ll leave his socks on.

 


MORE STORIES YOU MAY ENJOY WHILE YOU’RE HERE:

‘Government Nig, Uh’: Did Santorum Call Obama Half an N-Bomb?!
30 Strangely Arousing Pictures of Trees
Headlines That Suck: Santorum, Geraldo, Christian Sex & Naked Women’s Volleyball
Watch Batman Get Pulled Over. Yes, Batman.
• Eggs Soaked in Children’s Urine Are China’s Hot New Food Trend


 



 

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