Criminal sexual conduct, of course.
It all started when Brent Todd Friest, 39, was consulting with a specialist on November 7 at United Hospital in St. Paul. During the consultation, Friest commented to this witchy woman that “it must be hard getting a date being a psychologist.” UPI takes it from there:
The psychologist ignored the comment, but Friest soon told his son to leave the room so he could tell a “dirty joke” to the psychologist.
This is where Judge Judy would chime in with, “THAT WAS YOUR FIRST MISTAKE.” Friest said he was in the Twin Cities to get medical care for his two children. So let’s pull up to 36,000 feet and set the scene: Radcliffe, Iowa, is a town of fewer than 600 people, so Friest had to look elsewhere for care. He loaded the kids in the car, 200 miles away, a 3-hour drive up I-35. After going through all that trouble to get there, Friest ditches the whole point of the mission and kicks his 8-year-old son out of the room to tell a dirty joke? At what point did being a mediocre Lenny Bruce succeed being a decent dad?
“I bet you a dollar I can play with your boobs without touching them,” Friest allegedly told the doctor.
Ahh, Friest sets up the playground gambit well! With the mentally struggling child in need of psychological care now safely out of the way, #1 Dad decides to lay out his “dirty joke,” which isn’t so much a joke as it is the cunning start of a masturbatory fantasy for a 12-year-old mouth-breather who has never been taught the difference between good touches and bad touches.
He then allegedly fondled the psychologist’s breasts with his hands and gave her the dollar.
Neither the UPI article nor this Pioneer Press piece mention whether the psychological specialist acquiesced to the man’s dirty premise. We’ll assume, safely, that Hero Dad didn’t exactly give her time to react. The thought process here is incredible — how did Fondle Dad ever think it would be socially acceptable to play the radio dial/‘Come in Tokyo’ game with a trained doctor WHO WAS HELPING HIS SON? Any wonder this kid needs help?
The woman called hospital security and police arrested Friest — who admitted to the incident when speaking to officers, policed said. “He admitted that his conduct was inappropriate and that he thought it was humorous at the time,” the complaint said.
Sadly, that’s the best part: “He thought it was humorous at the time.” The thought of him sitting in a chair at the police precinct, being asked by a desk sergeant why he did what he did, only for him to be like “WHAAAAA, IT’S FUNNY! DON’T BE DICKS, GUYS, AND DON’T TELL ME THAT’S NOT GOOD SCHTICK RIGHT THERE! I TOUCHED HER BOOBS!”
Ultimately, Friest was charged with fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct, a “gross misdemeanor” in every sense of the phrase.