Corn Flakes Inventor John Kellogg Wanted to Sew Your Foreskin With Silver Wire He also pumped gallons of yogurt into his patients’ anuses. We know John Harvey Kellogg as the founder of the Kellogg’s cereal company and the inventor of corn flakes. However, around the turn of the 20th century, Kellogg became renowned for his work as an anti-masturbation crusader, prescribing unusual — and borderline sadistic — solutions to the menace of young boys and girls touching their privates. And by “uncomfortable,” we mean that even reading about them will make your genitals retreat into your body and grow an exoskeleton. From the textbook Sociocultural Influences on Sexual Practices and Standards: Kellogg believed masturbation could literally kill you. If it didn’t kill you, it’d cause cancer, UTIs, nocturnal emissions, impotence, epilepsy, insanity and crippling disability. So the whole premise of cornflakes is batshit religious sex-obsessed dogma from a hack who wanted to burn off girls’ clitorises? Can’t we enjoy anything anymore? SEE MORE: • Man With 2 Penises, Woman With 2 Vaginas Were the Sexiest Couple of the 19th Century • 13 People Who Don’t Know What ‘Literally’ Means • Teen Caught Having Sex With Cow Forced to Marry It Carbolic acid, it should be noted, is so poisonous it causes instant paralysis when applied to the skin. Oh, and violent gastro-enteritis, convulsions and death when swallowed. When he couldn’t convince a young, masturbating patient’s father to let him use it on her, he finally just circumcised her. It gets even weirder. Kellogg had another hobby: filling his patients’ asses with yogurt. He was a medical officer at Michigan’s Battle Creek Sanitarium, where he invented an enema machine to make sure the inmates’ intestines were clean. This machine administered gallons of water and yogurt into people’s mouths and anuses, “thus planting the protective germs where they are most needed and may render most effective service.” If that isn’t the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen, you should set your computer on fire. I’m watching you touch yourself. No wonder Michael Phelps lost his endorsement. Hat tip to Reddit and Rotten.com.