Chinese Parking Dispute Ends in Horrible Testicle-Squeezing Death

A shop owner in China began an argument with a woman over her parking a scooter outside his shop. The dispute escalated, got violent and, bizarrely, ended when the woman took hold of the man’s testicles and squeezed. She kept squeezing. Then he died.

This is not an exaggeration.

The two parties soon fell into a quarrel, and then the physical confrontation. The furious woman called up her husband and brother to come help her, which resulted in a more violent fist fight.

During the fight, the middle aged woman manged to grab the man’s testicles, and squeezed them till he finally collapsed on the ground.

The man was immediately rushed to hospital, but unfortunately died there despite of efforts.

OK, there are worse ways to die. Getting sliced vertically into thin layers, starting with the nose (this is a big fear of mine). Doing a backflip into a shallow pool (although that might not hurt after a while). Playing chicken on the Brooklyn subway tracks. Choking on your dentures during sex. Drinking 10 liters of Coke every day. Absorbing the sins of all humanity.

Considering the circle of hell you enter when something as benign as a misplaced underwear seam even slightly compresses a teste, death-grab-level pain is tough to imagine. Let’s just leave it be. Instead, we’ll focus on the amateur Twitter comedians who might be struggling to find a hilarious angle on this. This, after all, is the true tragedy.

The testicle-pun smackdown will be held at Headlines That Suck. Now’s your chance to weigh in! Come on, give us your best shot. (We can take it. We’re wearing cups.)