As part of Obama’s Affordable Care Act, a mandate went into effect Wednesday that guarantees certain free reproductive-healthcare services. You know what this means? Free birth control for everybody! And a crazy free birth control slut orgy hosted by Ann Friedman!
But before you send her your RSVP, shake your head and moan with us at the five wackiest things conservatives have compared birth control to:
1. Pearl Harbor AND 2. 9/11
According to Pennsylvania Republican Rep. Mike Kelly (who, by the way, is passionately against abortion rights, too), August 1 would live in infamy, along with two other historic days:
“I know in your mind you can think of times when America was attacked. One is December 7, that’s Pearl Harbor day. The other is September 11, and that’s the day of the terrorist attack. I want you to remember August the first, 2012, the attack on our religious freedom. That is a day that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.”
3. A Marriage-Ruiner
In October 2011, in an interview with Evangelical blog Caffeinated Thoughts, Rick Santorum argued that birth control diminishes the bond of marriage:
One of the things I will talk about that no president has talked about before is I think the dangers of contraception in this country, the whole sexual libertine idea. Many in the Christian faith have said, “Well, that’s OK. Contraception’s OK.”
It’s not okay because it’s a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be within marriage, they are supposed to be for purposes that are, yes, conjugal, but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen. We take any part of that out, we diminish the act.
Roman Catholic bishops and other evangelical groups say preventing a pregnancy and terminating a pregnancy are basically the same. In a New York Times piece from this February, Pam Belluck and Erik Eckholm explained that those religious groups believe birth control such as Plan B and IUDs “can be considered ‘abortifacients'” because “they can act to prevent pregnancy after a man’s sperm has fertilized a woman’s egg.”
Even though I got three baby mamas … it’s working out. But it ain’t right. I ain’t saying wait three or four months. If it’s immediate, it’s like birth control to me.”
5. Slutty Sluts Slutting It Up
Hey, remember Darrell Issa’s all-male House Oversight Committee hearing on contraception? Remember when he refused to hear Sandra Fluke’s testimony (she was “unqualified”)?
And remember Santorum financial backer Foster Friess’ “joke” about how women should just keep their damn legs closed?
Yeah, that was fucked up.
It’s all a conspiracy, man! Fox News host Greg Gutfeld thinks so. Last summer, he explained on air that offering free birth control was a Communist plot to get rid of poor people, since the only people who would take free birth control were people who couldn’t afford it.