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14-Pound Baby Boy Descends Upon Iowa

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By Cooper Fleishman on January 31, 2012

Wait, I think I’ve seen this before. Monstrous infant leaps out of his mother’s womb, kickstarting a nightmarish feud between vampires, werewolves and Rick Santorum … never mind, I’m getting Twilight mixed up with an actual 14-pound birth in Iowa.

This state is just full of big surprises lately. Santorum oozing its way to victory over Romney and Gingrich (but not, according to The Onion, a 600-pound butter cow sculpture)?! Almost as insane as the thought of carrying and giving birth to a two-foot human that weighs as much as a bowling ball (or two bowling balls, if it’s me playing), a turkey, a sack of onions — oh, and the world’s smallest human.

It should also be said that baby Asher’s mom, Kendall, delivered him naturally, without an epidural, in just six hours. I will never know this pain, but you’re a hero, Ms. Stewardson.

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