Republican Bandstand: Back to Square Mitt
…anks for tuning in, folks, and if you’re just joining us, we’re only a few days away from the first stage of the final round of our competition. It’s been a delightfully absurd season, a year in which a flawed, eminently beatable reigning champion will face off against a flawed, more eminently beatable challenger.
Before we begin this final stage, let’s take a look back at how we got here…
“Hey, you and me should dance. You wanna win this thing, right? I’m the only guy who can do it.”
“I really do wanna win. But you seem a little…I don’t know, stiff.”
“Oh, H-E-double-hockey-sticks. I can lead. Or I can follow. Or I can lead and then follow. Whatever you want, really. Tell me what you want me to do. I don’t consider myself a pro, but I’ve been doing it forever.”
“Tell ya what, haircut — practice over here, I’m gonna mingle.”
“Hey, you and me should dance. My husband’s not very into doing it with me.”
“My, what wonderfully big eyes you have. Are you feet just as shifty? I could be into that.”
“Great, just sign this pledge that we’ll be dance partners forever.”
“That seems a tad aggressive.”
“I know, but I just love your spirit. I admire your spirit. We share the spirit of a killer clown.”
“Tell ya what, bunny-boiler — practice over here, I’m gonna mingle.”
“Hey, you and me should dance. Ever dance with a Texan? We really execute the competition.”
“I’ve heard, and I applaud that. Can you name three steps we can do to win it?”
“First we’d do the Pachanga. Then the Lambada. Then the, um, what’s the third one there? Let’s see.”
“You’re begging me to dance and you can’t name a third step?”
“Well, the Pachanga, the Lambada…I can’t. The third one. I can’t. Oops.”
“Tell ya what, hairdo — practice over here, I’m gonna mingle.”
“Hey, you and me should dance. I know the business of dancing. And, well, I’m black.”
“Well, there is something appealing about that considering our biggest competition.”
“Yeah, baby. We’ll get on the floor. We’ll get real close to each other. I’ll put my hand…”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I don’t like here this is going.”
“No, baby, you got it all wrong. It’s all about the steps. It goes: 9-2-3, 9-2-3, 9-2-3.”
“Tell ya what, perv — practice over here, I’m gonna mingle.”
“Hey, you and me should dance. I’m into the history of it all. And I’m really, really smart.”
“So you say. But I’ve heard you just up and left your last few partners for other dancers.”
“All lies, my sweet. That’s just a dumb narrative the biased liberal judges are spreading. I don’t care for that construction. Besides, I’ll buy you the nicest Tiffany bracelet you ever saw.”
“Tell ya what, cranky — practice over here, I’m gonna mingle.”
“Hey, you and me should dance. I’ve got wacky moves! And tons of young support!”
“Some of your moves are pretty neat. But the rest are a little out there, ya know?”
“Nooo, it’s everyone else that’s too *in* there. We gotta shake things up. We gotta win it for the disappearing white majority. We can’t let those food stamps recipients in Welfaria, Zooville, Rapetown, Dirtburg and Lazyopolis take home that solid gold trophy. I need that gold. WE’LL NEED THAT GOLD!”
“Tell ya what, crazy — practice over here, I’m gonna mingle.”
“Hey, you and me should dance. Google me, check out how good I am!”
“Yikes. Never mind.”
“Hey, you and me should dance. You wanna win this thing, right? I’m the only guy who can do it.”
“Eh. You’ll do.”
In other words, Mitt Romney is now has a 75 percent chance of winning the Republican nomination on InTrade and is back atop the polls as we head into the January 3rd Iowa caucuses.
Slade Sohmer is editor-in-chief and co-founder of HyperVocal. Follow him @hypervocal.
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