Hype AM: Ted Williams Saga, Bill Murray Karaoke, Taibbi on Boehner, Say Uncle & More
Here’s the way we do business now: Video goes viral, everyone loves it, a few skeptics don’t. Most of us stay positive for 24 hours. We use our energy for good. We spread it. We “like” it. Then everyone’s seen it. The tide starts to turn. We’re almost over it already. So we start to look for old information we can present as new. We dig up what we can find — criminal records, unpaid taxes, embarrassing photos. Within 72 hours, we all hate whatever we loved. The story arc’s done. “Seen it.” “So yesterday.” Then we kinda hate ourselves. Then we blame the Internet.
Such is the case with Ted Williams, “the homeless man with the golden voice.” He went from the side of the highway to the TODAY Show in 48 hours, and by the weekend it’ll be the oldest story we’ve ever heard. But in between Tuesday and the weekend, Howard Stern’s gotta thrown in a few jabs (calling him a fake) and The Smoking Gun’s gotta dig up some old mug shots and police reports. That’s just the way we do business now. By next week he’ll be long forgotten, and we’ll move onto the next. At least on this story we can all be proud some good did come of it — Williams got a job and a house, and for now he appears to be on solid ground. Chalk this one up as a rare win. And we got some great ‘stache photos out of it.
[More Ovaltine Please] Wait, there’s a “spring fighting season?” We thought that was a time for training. So when is the time when Taliban pitchers and catchers have to report to camp? “Defense Secretary Robert Gates has decided to send an additional 1,400 Marine combat forces to Afghanistan, officials said, in a surprise move ahead of the spring fighting season to try to cement tentative security gains before White House-mandated troop reductions begin in July.”
[Bill Murray Karaoke] theCHIVE has been known to pull a hoax or two, so take this one for what it’s worth. But if true, it’s quite an awesome New York Experience. A reader named Mike sent in a story and pictures about Bill Murray walking into a random karaoke bar with two girls and proceeded to join his crew: “The high point was when Bill and I sang a duet of an Elvis song called, ‘Marie’s the Name.’ Random I know, but so was the night. We were all drinking and dancing and screaming our asses off.” Sounds like an awesome time. Could be a set-up, but either way, sweet pic set.
[Matt Taibbi's At It Again] The man famous for his “vampire squid” description of Goldman Sachs is back with some fresh perspective on new House Speaker John Boehner. In the latest Rolling Stone, Taibbi describes the double-talking shill for corporate interests with this powerful lede:
“John Boehner is the ultimate Beltway hack, a man whose unmatched and self-serving skill at political survival has made him, after two decades in Washington, the hairy blue mold on the American congressional sandwich. The biographer who somewhere down the line tackles the question of Boehner’s legacy will do well to simply throw out any references to party affiliation, because the thing that has made Boehner who he is — the thing that has finally lifted him to the apex of legislative power in America — has almost nothing to do with his being a Republican.” Meet your new speaker.
[Eff You From the Grave] We think the political phrase here is “Hooo, snap.” Elizabeth Edwards left her estranged husband John out of her will completely.
[Spies Like Us] In Wednesday’s edition we talked about the Saudis arresting a vulture accused of being a Zionist spy. These charges are a bit more serious: “Iranian customs agents arrested a 55-year-old American woman accused of spying, local Iranian media outlets reported on Thursday. The reports, which identified the woman as Hall Talayan, entered Iran from Armenia without a visa and has been accused of placing spying equipment in her teeth. The reports said the woman told the agents that if she were returned to Armenia she would be killed by the Armenian security forces.”
[New Year's Resolution Fail] Happy about your New Year’s resolutions? Ten bucks says you’ll fail. Our resident clinical psychologist says “The New Year’s Resolution is the snake oil of behavioral change, offering the promise of rejuvenated health and happiness with the gulp of midnight champagne. In reality, it is just a line in the sand that does nothing to actually effect change beyond the magical belief that a turn of the calendar actually effects human betterment. This is the myth of change; that it is easy to alter staid patterns of behavior. Sadly, change is hard, and it takes internal effort and motivation. Basically, it sucks.”
[Put That on Ya Muthafuckin' Wall] For all the kids out there trying to be hard, trying to be gangbangers, there’s a tough uncle out there waiting to beat your ass. This is some top-notch Uncle Humiliation.
[Butt Dial] Usually when you pocket dial the consequences aren’t too terrible. Maybe you say the wrong thing, maybe someone overhears something they shouldn’t. Usually it’s just an 18-minute voicemail that gets erased. On Monday, though, an accidental butt dial caused a suburban Chicago SWAT to mobilize!
[Pills Are Good. Pills Are Good.] We had fun breaking down an ad for AstraZeneca’s Seroquel XR, a treatment for bipolar depression. It’s quite the ad campaign. Click the pic.
[Don't Ask...About Surf and Turf] “Stars and Stripes” has provided independent news and information to the U.S. military community since World War II. And the magazine printed a fun letter to the editor on Monday about the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. Staff Sgt. Casey Leavings wrote in with this gem:
“Although ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ has been repealed, the war is far from over, and I am confident God will help us to once again make homosexuality in the military illegal. Even though we shouldn’t stop fighting the repeal of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ I would like to bring focus to a sinful practice the military has long engaged in: ‘Surf and Turf’ night at dining facilities. In the book of Leviticus, God labels eating shellfish an abomination, only a few chapters before he condemns homosexuality. Yet at every dining facility I have been to, the military has encouraged this sinful practice by openly serving shrimp, lobster and other detestable items alongside God-approved foods such as steak and chicken.”
Unfortunately he loses all pretense of subtlety and spells out the joke at the end, but even still, some commenters didn’t get it. Nonetheless, great letter, great support.
[Coming Out] Boston Herald sports columnist Steve Buckley in a column appearing in today’s paper revealed that he’s gay. No big thing. Good for him. We salute the 54-year-old Buckley — it’s never too late. Still waiting for the first pro athlete to make the move while he’s still playing. We’ll put the over/under: 7.5 years. Sadly, we’re taking the over. Prove us wrong, kids!
[Lastly] Where’s the retaliation? Nothing? Just gonna get slapped and sit there?
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