20 Things We Know About Kim Jong-un
With the passing of Kim Jong-il, the world’s focus now shifts to his son and presumptive successor, Kim Jong-un. Little is known about the twenty-something, third-generation leader of this dangerous and unpredictable nuclear power. So we at HyperVocal have reached out to all of our sources and compiled the following dossier from those familiar with the world’s most interesting millennial.
So here are 20 key facts we’ve uncovered about KJU:
• Drives a Mazda Miata, only with llamas instead of tires
• First to determine that Simon and Garfunkel were a rock, but not an island (due to a narrow isthmus)
• Sleeps on a bed made of Raisinettes
• Owns prized collection of gold-rimmed snow globes, all featuring Charles Nelson Reilly’s likeness
• Is deathly afraid of candy canes
• Opened a string of Denny’s in the Research Triangle region of North Carolina
• Has regular Wednesday night poker game with the cast of “Coach”
• Once dated WNBC news anchor Sue Simmons
• Broke up with her after she asked “The f*&k are you doing?!?” one too many times
• Answer to Sue’s question was “perfecting the recipe for Golden Grahams”
• Was “90% certain” that Terri Schiavo was “totally faking it, homes”
• Wrote thousands of vitriolic letters to Jim J. Bullock after disagreeing with the upper-left celebrity on the home game version of “Hollywood Squares”
• Known as “Un-Cola” on high-school lacrosse team
• Writes only with a chisel
• Plays title characters in North Korean versions of “Mama’s Family” AND “Valerie’s Family”
• Loves Rik Smits
• Hates Jimmy Smits
• His palace is decorated exclusively with dot-matrix Print Shop banners (many with pixelated cupcakes)
• On dating websites, lists his dream vacation is a two-night, three-day stay in “The Illadelph”
• Kim is short for Kimmel
What else have you heard about KJU? We’d love to know more. Leave a note below.
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