Time Turkeys: The Very Real Script of the Very Real 2014 Woody Harrelson Movie About Time-Traveling Turkeys
Thanks to HyperVocal’s extensive connections in Hollywood, we are lucky enough to bring you a sneak peek of the upcoming blockbuster Turkeys, a totally real movie that is really being made (really) with Woody Harrelson and Owen Wilson about turkeys who discover a time machine and go back in time to change history so that turkeys don’t get eaten at Thanksgiving.
What follows is an excerpt from the screenplay to this Oscar front-runner.
EXT. RURAL AMERICA – DAY
We open with an aerial shot, zooming over green, picturesque countryside. As the camera flies over the lush hills, the sky darkens. Smoke billows on the horizon.
We come upon an unnatural formation of long, white buildings, organized in a way that can only be described as … sinister.
What is this evil place? What lies within these sullen structures?
With the scream of an electric guitar, the film’s title flashes into being in huge, neon letters.
INT. MILITARY INSTALLATION – A CONCRETE ROOM
A grizzled GENERAL confers with an aide.
THE GENERAL: “Is the machine secure?”
LIEUTENANT PEON: “Absolutely, general. The convoy is expected at any moment.”
The trill of an electric guitar. A shadow. A feather brushes against THE GENERAL’s boot. His nostrils widen, his eyes narrow.
THE GENERAL: “They are here.” He crouches.
LIEUTENANT PEON: “Impossible sir, we have —”
INT. MILITARY INSTALLATION – THE DOOR OF THE CONCRETE ROOM
Boom! An explosion! Guitars! The door flies off its hinges, and from the smoke and rubble emerges a turkey, voiced by OWEN WILSON, wearing a star-spangled bandana and duel-wielding futuristic assault rifles.
OWEN WILSON: “Gobble gobble, big fella.” THE GENERAL raises his pistol.
Another turkey, bald, voiced by WOODY HARRELSON flies down from his hiding place behind a ceiling panel, knocking the weapon out of THE GENERAL’s hand. WOODY HARRELSON — again, a bald turkey — turns his own firearm towards LIEUTENANT PEON, who cowers behind some rubble.
WOODY HARRELSON: “Guess you’re going… cold turkey.”
He fires his gun, which is a freeze-ray, encasing LIEUTENANT PEON in an enormous ice cube, and exchanges a look with OWEN WILSON — a regular turkey.
“Get to work buddy. I’ll cover these barbarians.”
OWEN WILSON — regular turkey — begins to dismantle a large machine in the middle of the room. Something is wrong. He calls to WOODY HARRELSON, bald turkey.
OWEN WILSON: “Hey! Babba-ganoosh! Something’s wrong with this thing.”
A bright light emanates from the machine. WOODY HARRELSON, bald, peers into its core. THE GENERAL begins to laugh. It is a truly villainous laugh.
THE GENERAL: “Try the stuffing. I hear it’s delicious!”
Space begins to slip. The walls melt. The two turkeys, one bald, one not, but both just regular, actual turkeys, fire their weapons at the shimmering figure ofTHE GENERAL, whose laughter increases in volume, to no effect. Guitars work to a crescendo and then abruptly stop, as if roughly unplugged from a thousand rocking amps.
FADE IN – A EMPTY FIELD
Camera close up on the turkey faces of WOODY HARRELSON and OWEN WILSON, turkeys, lying on their backs in the middle of a field. Super close up. Like so fucking close. You can see all their weird turkey face things. Their eyes are closed. Are they dead? No! A gobble. Another gobble. WOODY HARRELSON, bald turkey, sits up. He looks around. Then: a scream.
EXT. WOODS – A TREE
An arrow embeds itself in the trunk. Someone runs by the camera.
OWEN WILSON: “Where… where are we, big guy?”
WOODY HARRELSON: “Not ‘where,’ good buddy. ‘When.’”
A war cry. Drums. More screams. Fire, smoke. Guitars.