SIRI AND ZOOEY, By J.D. Salinger </noscript> Excerpts from the critically acclaimed short stories … Zooey took a parting look at the page she had been reading, then closed the manuscript and dropped it over the side of the tub. “Jesus Christ almighty,” she said. “Sometimes I see me dead in the rain.” “Yes, that is you dead in the rain,” Siri retorted plainly. … “Just don’t start in on me again, bright and early in the morning, Zooey, please. I mean it, now,” Siri said. “Nobody’s starting in on you, buddy,” Zooey said, in the same manner as a child who is not only slow but whose nose is forever running unattractively. “You just happen to sound like hell, that’s all. Why don’t you find me something to eat? JGL says he’s got some tomato soup out there he’s–” “If anybody else mentions tomato soup to me just once more–” Zooey’s attention, however, had been diverted. … … A Les Paul mahogany ukulele, concert size body and deep in tone, sat dangerously close to the end of couch. Zooey abruptly went over to it. She moved an ashtray, a silver cigarette box, and a copy of Harper’s Bazaar out of the way, then directly sat down in the narrow space on the plush surface, facing — almost hovering over — the iPhone4 that contains Siri’s being. She looked briefly at the clenched hand on the blue afghan, then, quite gently with her ukulele now in hand, shook Siri alive. “Siri,” she said. “Siri, let’s go, buddy. Let’s not fritter away the best part of the day here … I’ve got no place to go and no shoes to put on, yaaay.” Siri awakened with a start — a jolt, really, as though the couch had just gone over a bad bump. “Why are you so sunny?” She only partly took in Zooey’s presence. “Should I repeat that for you?” Zooey observed her rather narrowly. “I bring the sun wherever I go, buddy,” she said. “Damn, girl, then why’d you just ask me about the rain?” Siri said. … “Don’t bang the piano keys,” Siri said, watching her play Big Joe Turner’s version of ‘Shake, Rattle & Roll.’ “I’ll be your director if you’re just going to sit there. That’s my first direction. Don’t bang the piano keys. Are you listening to me, you smiling menace? And clean this shit up.” … “Nothing’s final — nothing’s ever final with these guys — but I think I’ve got him half snowed into the idea of making a picture out of that E. L. James novel. The one I sent you.” “Yes! Oh, that’s exciting, Zooey. America can’t wait to see you bound and gagged on the big screen.” J.D. Salinger is the author of ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ and short stories that are much better than Catcher. Tweet him at @ZombieRecluse. Follow us! Click and Follow Us for more updates straight to your news and nonsense feeds.