The Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon is the gift I wish I could return but keeps on giving. As much as I would like them to, people will not stop talking about these books.
Fortunately, if you’re intrigued by the love story of an impossibly virginal college student and a rich, abusive, horse-schlonged creep, there are a number of crafty ways you can get your freaky rocks off — without having to read a single page of the books.
• ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Made My Vagina Shrivel Up and Die
• Gilbert Gottfried Reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Is Freaking Terrifying
• ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ if Christian and Ana Were Cavemen
If you’re lucky enough to be attending the Olympics in person and also just happen to be a die hard Fifty Shades fan, you could make yourself a kinky fascinator to wear to the games.
Believe me, spending hours reading about Ana and Christian’s sexcapades in the Red Room of Pain can really work up an appetite. Why not satiate that hunger with a giant cake inspired by Christian’s rock-hard abs and (nonexistent) happy trail?
So you loved the books and want to keep your copy in pristine condition, like Christian’s body (hey-o!). Why not cross-stitch a book cover?
What kind of E.L. James fan are you if you haven’t appliqued a T-shirt with one of Christian’s endless catchphrases?
I can’t imagine enjoying these books without being 50 shades of wasted, so here is a recipe for a cocktail you can make yourself. Bonus: It’s garnished with a little licorice whip!
Finally, what kind of DIY how-to fan would I be if I didn’t offer up ways to create some homemade sex toys of your very own? An interview of a hardware store employee by Media Logical News tells us that bungie cord and rope purchases are up, up, up in Pennsylvania! Nipple clamps, anyone?