The holiday season is fast approaching, and some people are just so hard to shop for! What do you get the sex offender that has everything? Oprah might not be around to bring you a bevy of her favorite things, but adult toy company Pipedream has stepped in as your gift guru.
Tegan & Sara Just-in Beaver blow-up doll!
Beliebers no longer have to rely on Justin Bieber battery-powered toothbrushes to help them stain their copies of J-14 and Tiger Beat. The unlicensed sex doll, which features pleasure parts for both men and women alike, retails for $26. A fantastic price point in this economy, considering tickets to a showing of Never Say Never in 3-D and a squirt of popcorn butter to lube up cost almost as much, and half the time you get arrested before you finish.
It only gets better! The product description reads like the summary of a bad Cinemax film drafted by the awful pun team at the New York Post:
Meet Just-In Beaver, the barely legal boy-toy who’s waited 18 long years to stick his lil’ dicky in something sticky! When he’s not busy beating up paparazzi or beating off, he’s up to his high-tops in hot Hollywood tail! But the Beave-ster doesn’t have this effect just on women — he turns straight men gay faster than you can peel his skinny jeans off! So what are you waiting for, inflate this lil’ pricks’s ego even more and have your very own Beaver bash!
If the Beaver doll does make it to market, I think we should place all purchasers on some sort of watch list. That is, assuming that Justin and his chocolate daddy, Usher, don’t sue Pipedream for likeness.
Make sure you wash your Just-in Beaver doll after each use and never share one with a friend. You wouldn’t want to catch Bieber Fever, a potent new strain of chlamydia.