10 Sexiest Things to Do If You’re Alone on V-Day
February 14 is just like any other day. Why let those disgusting germ-swapping breeders get you down? Hell, you’re not alone — you’re solo, which is the preferred living arrangement among those who can afford it. The new ideal living arrangement? One with privacy and personal space. Because they’ve got the time, money and energy, soloists are more social, more active, healthier, better informed. And are they lonely? No way — not with vast networks of online friends!
So, stags, kudos to you. Nothing’s sexier than someone confident in his own skin. You’ve got the whole day to be incontrovertibly, undeniably awesome — and here’s how you’re gonna do it.
1. Treat. Yo. Self.
It’s Valentine’s Day, not Cheap Asshole Day, so wipe away any thought you had of using the day to examine pie charts of your spending on Mint.com. Think hard: What’s something that’d make you joyful beyond question? Buy that thing, especially if it’s a life-size Spider-Man suit. What’s the movie in theaters that’s not One for the Money? See that, whatever it is. Or take a lesson from Tom Haverford and Donna Meagle and hit the mall for a massage and fine leather goods. When it’s your hard-earned cash you’re spending on no one but you, money really does buy happiness. You can’t lose.
2. Catch up on gratuitously violent TV.
How awesome is AMC right now? The Walking Dead midseason premiere just aired, and you can stream the entire episode of the zombie drama FOR FREE. RIGHT HERE. BOOM. This this the greatest thing I’ve ever embedded. The Walking Dead has a brand-new showrunner, Glen Mazzara, known for his work on The Shield, and some big changes are afoot.
After a year-and-a-half-long wait, season 5 of Mad Men premieres March 25 on the same network. Breaking Bad, which is mostly on Netflix instant, has a smaller audience but is better (yes, I said it) — and features more bodies dissolved in hydrofluoric acid — than both shows combined.
It’s the greatest era of television America’s ever seen, and if you’re solo you have all the nights in the world to really enjoy it. It’s Valentine’s Day — what else are you going to watch, the first 10 minutes of Up on repeat? (OK, fine, I’d totally do that.)
3. Troll the hell out of Chatroulette.
Remember this classy site? In the last two years since you’ve read anything about it, all the fat masturbating weirdos have disappeared and been replaced by a flock of curious, fun-loving Kate Upton lookalikes. That is a totally true thing I didn’t make up.
The one thing Chatroulette was actually good for was putting your relative forever-aloneness in perspective. No girlfriend? At least you’re not one of these flaccid, faceless mouth-breathers (hurry, F9! F9!). Cute girl appears? Hell yeah, you’ve actually got a chance to learn her name. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king!
4. Get high. Get really high. What’s stopping you?
… Besides, you know, the cops. In New York City, land of plenty, we have — wait for it — weed delivery service. We also have $1,200 rent to live in closets, but whatever, someday I might see Matthew Broderick on the street. Perfect your baking skills for when you have someone to cook for (although who’s more deserving than yourself?) and whip up some herbal chocolate chip cookies. Or just cut to the chase. After all, you’ve got lots of violent TV to watch.
5. Watch Kate Upton doing the Dougie ad nauseam …
6. … And this dance, whatever it is.
7. Develop a taste for Scotch.
Look at that. It’s a thing of beauty. How do you take it? With soda? Wrong. Try again. This shit is from Europe. It could probably burn your toenails off. The only acceptable mixer is a drop of cool water. The only way to get used to it is to drink more of it, and then it’s delicious, and you can make others feel weak and unmanly for grimacing as they sip it.
The one problem? It makes your breath smell like you gargled campfire ashes and lighter fluid. No one wants to kiss you after you drink it. No one, no matter how much she loves you. Which is why if you’re solo, you smooth son of a bitch, now’s your chance to imbibe. Then meet up with other soloists, sip your drink slowly and do items 1 through 6 above.
No one’s looking? OK, put a shit-ton of ice in it.
8. Be happy you’re not these guys.
Before OKCupid, in the dark ages of the Internet (2005), there was a much less efficient way to lazily select a partner: a Comcast service called Dating on Demand, which took video profiles of lonely hearts and let users browse. Fortunately for us, the videos are still around — and you can learn about guys like Harold, below, who wants to spend his first date at a maternity ward and is probably trolling. But then there are guys like Cecil. Poor Cecil.
9. Check out “mangagement rings” for yourself.
The newest trend in marriage? “Mangagement” rings for men — a symbol of a two-way street of devotion and commitment. If you’re in love, it could be one of those progressive, subversive gender things that actually makes a lot of sense, but if you’re single, it’s so cheesy you’ll puke. Go to a Zales and yell at everyone who comes in about how it’s nothing but a cynical ploy to sell more blood diamonds. Get banned from the mall. That’ll be an awesome story to tell later.
10. Go to a bar — and hit on absolutely nobody.
How best to stick it to Valentine’s Day? Put on the adult-size Spider-Man suit you just bought and drop by O’Hanlon’s for a nightcap. Take off the mask and rub your fingers through your thick man-beard as you peruse the Scotch menu. After that massage, your posture is dope. You are the manliest motherfucker on Earth right now. Are there chicks staring at you? How many? Probably dozens.
Only douchebags and sexual predators think it’s cool to go to bars on V-Day and pick up lonely single chicks — and they’ve all been sniffed out. The last man standing is you, my friend. Go ahead, tip a cap to your onlookers. Nobody knows you’re high out of your mind and spent the whole day watching zombie battles and yelling at strangers. You did it. You’re the goddamn Valentine’s Day champion.
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