Warning: This is horrifying. Daniel von Bargen, known for playing Mr. Kruger on Seinfeld and Chief Grady in Super Troopers, survived a suicide attempt Monday morning and called 911 for help. Listen to the recording, acquired by TMZ.

Everyone’s making a big deal over this kid’s obscene gesture behind ESPN’s Doug Gottlieb. But because we believe children are pure and completely devoid of prurient impulses, we say there has to be an explanation! Here are five.

In honor of Mardi Gras, Kimmel asks his studio audience to predict whether video interviewees have ever flashed anyone. OK, funny three-minute segment. THEN SOMETHING HUGE HAPPENS. And it’s probably not what you expected …

CM Punk gets real. Very real. He starts by refuting the accusations of steroid use, and adds that in his world, women are respected, period. He calls the performer-slash-intergender boxer a “sad, cowardly little boy.” Your move, CB.

Jagger, B.B. King, Buddy Guy & others join POTUS at White House

There’s a serial attacker coming after your kids. The death toll is now at four and rising, with two injured. It’s television, just like parents have always feared! Well, television plus gravity. Six Chicago kids in four months have been hurt or killed by falling TVs.

The Dane Cook–Louis C.K. Cold War thawed, but there’s some fresh outrage after someone posted a DVD director’s commentary of a scene starring both comedians. The director can’t recall Louis’ name. Dane, no prob. GET HIM, INTERNETS.

The God-lovin’, gay-hatin’ folks at the Westboro Baptist Church tried something new for Whitney Houston’s funeral. Instead of showing up with their “Whitney in Hell” signs as promised, members simply Photoshopped themselves into the scene.

It’s been 490 days since the four-time Emmy Award-winning AMC show “Mad Men” aired an episode. But the waiting is almost over. In just 34 more days, it’s here. The first batch of teasers are now available for your perusal.

@ChrsBrwnChllnge is not a pro fighter. He’s just a 24-year-old guy with a dream, and that dream is to take on Chris Brown in a UFC-style fight. Fair fight, he claims. Will Brown accept D.G.’s challenge? Not likely.

Most of you have the day off today. Why? Because George Washington kicked his dad in the nuts and had “badass, British-chomping wooden teeth” and Abraham Lincoln went out like a “straight baller” like Biggie and 2Pac. Duh.

There’s a reason this video has racked up more than 80,000 views on Vimeo in one day. And that reason is … HOLY SORCERER SHE-DEVIL THIS IS SO AWESOME OMG HOW DID HE DO THIS? Marvel at how awesomely creative people can be.

We’re no realtors, but selling this mansion should be easy. Just say it’s Whitney Houston’s mansion. Is it necessary to go into detail about the singer’s “fall from musical power and grace” and “activity that brought down this incredible diva?”

Professional Fox Business race-baiter Eric Bolling had some choice words for Rep. Maxine Waters on Thursday: “Congresswoman, you saw what happened to Whitney Houston. Step away from the crack pipe. Step away from the Xanax,” he said.

A helpful YouTuber put together this compilation of vintage Louis C.K. footage as a tribute to everyone’s favorite comedian and TV auteur. Man, it’s hard to remember a time when Louis C.K. wasn’t the funniest man on the planet.

To promote the release of its Lady and the Tramp Blu-ray & DVD Combo Pack, Disney thought they’d trot out a Valentine’s Day surprise. A puppy-infused winner, watch the film’s most romantic scene, heretofore animated, now recreated with adorable dogs.

The oft-seen, Oprah-endorsed elementary school chorus’ latest effort is a cover of the oft-seen Gotye song “Somebody That I Used to Know.” It really just does not get any better than this video. Kudos, Kid Korus.

The funny part about @rupertmurdoch’s tweet is the presence of the one just a minute earlier: “To hell with politicians! When are we going to find some to tell the truth in any country?” Then he made it seem as if he was talking about himself.

Off all the people and places to honor Whitney Houston in the wake of the pop diva’s death over the weekend, perhaps the best tribute comes from…wait, that can’t be right … Dubai? It’s a truly beautiful sight. Watch this.

Only douchebags and sexual predators think it’s cool to go to bars on V-Day and pick up lonely single chicks. We’ve got a better plan to be undeniably awesome all by yourself. Here’s how you’re gonna do it (and now, hopefully, you did it).