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Don Cheadle, Only Actor Fit to Play Captain Planet

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At some point a Hollywood studio is going to be dumb enough to think that a live-action Captain Planet movie would be a good idea. Before you go down that road unknown, Hollywood studio, let us give you some advice: No, it won’t. So just stop.

Funny or Die jumps the gun with their own adaptation of the environmentally friendly cartoon, and happily suggest that actor Don Cheadle is the only actor capable of playing the climate-change superhero.

This sketch has a pretty good cast, including Community’s Gillian Jacobs and the dude who played Pedro in Napoleon Dynamite. Watch it here:

The video starts out strong enough, and it’s worth watching just to see Cheadle dressed up in the ridiculous silver paint and green mullet of Captain Planet shooting tree-growing laser beams out of his crotch. Also, his line: “Don’t summon me again unless you’re ready for the pain. Peace, dickholes. The power is mine bitches,” is definitely one for the ages. New catchphrase alert.

What this really brings up, though, is the necessary discussion about the cartoon and the Brazilian boy with the monkey sidekick. His special power was heart? That’s not really an Earth element and was the one thing that always bugged us about the show. Seriously, heart? We’re getting upset just thinking about it. And yes, we realize that’s fairly ridiculous to still be bugged about a minor detail in a stupid cartoon created by Ted Turner that aired between 1990-1992.

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