Since Charlie Sheen has been popping up in the “news” so much lately, he decided it would be a good idea to dive into a mountain of coke and set the record straight, live on nationally syndicated radio during “The Alex Jones Show.”

If you’re anything like me, your first thought was “Wait, why in the hell is Charlie Sheen on the radio talking about the president and 9/11?” And then it hit you. Oh right, drugs. Or as Charlie calls it “self-rehabing at home” aka WINNING. Have a listen.

We’re gonna go ahead and skip right past that segment where Charlie says he’s “100%” clean, because that is pretty much the easiest comment to disregard in the history of spoken language. Moving on…

Look, I’ll be the first to admit that “I can’t process it,” Chuck. It’s all just way too awesome for me. Will you teach me your ways? I just want to win a little bit.

Anybody who thinks this guy “has problems” must be living on another planet, because “problem” simply isn’t in Sheen’s vocabulary. Dude is literally “not a care in the world” personified. Making $2-freaking-million an episode to crap out one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen? Oh I don’t know, WINNING anyone? Wife decides to drop out of your tropical vacation and just leave you jet-setting around the world with the 2 porn star mistresses? Let me just check my rhyming dictionary – yup, right here under WINNING. And how can any self-respecting journalist actually describe his behavior as “erratic.” Is it opposite day or something? Because Charlie Sheen is nothing if not consistent. Sun goes up, sun goes down, Charlie Sheen puts an order in for a couple of hookers and a briefcase of cocaine. Never a miscommunication.

So because the execs are trying to prove that they’re on more drugs than Charlie, CBS and Time Warner have insanely decided to shut down production of Two and a Half Men for at least the remainder of the season. Do they not realize that this is the best publicity this show could ever have? I mean it put this schlubb Alex Jones’ show on the damn map today! I for one have been engaged in a long standing boycott against Two and a Half Men due to the outrageous discrepancy in the quality-popularity ratio, and even I’m starting to get interested just because Charlie Sheen is winning so hard in real life and I’m curious to know if he can keep it together. I’d like to know how you get to be powerful TV executives without realizing that America loves to watch two things: heartwarming underdog stories and complete trainwrecks. Apparently they already like this show, but if you think they wouldn’t like it if the wheels start to come off you’re just being naive. Plus his character on thse show is just a PG-13 version of his real persona is it not? So you can’t clip the eagle’s wings, people. And if you think I’m going to pay money to go see that turd of a movie Major League 3 without Charlie Sheen in it the you’re just being stupid. You can’t just go replacing actors in a sequel, buddy. I say you ride this thing out and keep the party going until his heart gives. That’s what Charlie would do.

In fact, that’s actually what he does day in day out, for 36 hours at a time and with as many porn stars as can keep up (WINNING). You know who’s gonna look stupid come Tuesday when shooting was supposed to resume? The studios are, when Sheen shows up to do his job as planned, and everyone else are the no-good quitters. Dude has never quit anything in his life (obviously) and it seems to be working out pretty well. You know what quitters never do?

P.S. Nice to see Brian Wilson getting a shoutout there I was thinking the whole time that these guys are cut from the same cloth. Hopefully not in the drug sense but with regard to being straight up awesome and addicted to winning and capable of murdering your soul.