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All Social Apps Exist to Get You Laid

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Marisa Kabas

By Marisa Kabas on December 10, 2013

If you’re looking to get laid, it’s really just as simple as looking down at the smartphone that is likely being cradled in your lonely hand.

Sure, there are the obvious apps out there to help you find a partner for sex or life: Tinder, Down (formerly Bang with Friends), Grindr and Lulu. But if you look just below the surface of any website or app with a social component, the idea of using it for sex is almost immediately thrust in your face.

Take QuizUp, the new social quiz app that operates via Facebook and pairs you in knowledge battles about broad-to-very-specific topics. It’s already set a record as the fastest-growing app in history, and it’s also now the fastest non-dating app to become a dating app. The Date Report already provided a step-by-step tutorial on how to be the ultimate QuizUp ho.

[The] key to QuizUp flirting: showing sustained interest in a game where people usually move quickly from opponent to opponent. If you lost your first game, I would replay them in 1990s music trivia (or whatever it was). If you won, I would explore their favorite topics until you find one where you can maybe hold your own – Arrested Development, perhaps? Then challenge them in that.
Once you’ve played a few games, add them as a friend. This ensures that even if you stray from the game for a few hours, you can still find them again.
Then, the final move: chat. If you’re an online dater, this is probably pretty familiar ground, but if not: say hi, and lead with something you have in common.

Basically any app with a means for private messaging is just asking to be used for sexual purposes. Let’s be real: Are you really going to message your quiz opponent about his or her favorite Golden Girl? Nope.

Now take Words With Friends. Nothing overtly sexy about triple word scores and nonsense two-letter words like Qi, right? Wrong! A Friend of HyperVocal, who asked to remain anonymous, has been having a months-long chat with someone he met through the game. This is the most benign screenshot:

wwf chat

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That’s why an app like Instagram, which lacks a private messaging function, is less likely to get you a date. “Likes” and comments can only get you so far, although one engaged couple managed to figure it out.

Naturally, there are also rumors that the launch of Instagram messaging is imminent (by the end of the year), so we can only imagine how the photo-heavy app will lead right into cyber dalliances.

Business Insider also took a dive into the world of Couchsurfing (the site and the actual practice) and found that, unsurprisingly, a whole lot of folks are skipping the couch and ending up in the host’s bed.

The almost decade-old Couchsurfing, which is available in 100,000 cities across the globe, is becoming the go-to hookup app for a certain class of young world travelers. Bloggers like Maverick Traveler will help you spot the “8 Signs of a Slutty CouchSurfer Girl” by decoding her profile, and female-centric advice site YouQueen has even offered tips on “How to Use CouchSurfing as a Dating Site and Get Away with It.” Meanwhile, a site called CouchBangs.com, which declares that “Couchsurfing isn’t just for Couchsurfing,” offers a forum for proud couch-cuddlers to share their experiences via short posts with titles like “French Girl in Istanbul” and “Brazilian Girl in New York.”

Messaging is the first step toward intimacy, but once lodging is involved all bets are off. New app LoveRoom, still in beta, takes the basic premise of couchsurfing a step further by cutting to the chase. Wanna bang? Y or N? According to their site “LoveRoom is a room-sharing service that helps you find anyone looking for love, fun or friendship.” Friendship?

And then of course there’s Twitter. Oh, sweet sweet Twitter. Breaker of news, breaker of beds. I’ve heard it called “the best dating app that’s not labeled as a dating app,” and the psychology is simple: You follow someone, they follow you back, you engage in non-threatening, visible interactions. The hurdle is jumping from public tweets to direct messages (DMs for the uninitiated.)

It’s an intimidating step, taking an online relationship from public to private, but once that line is crossed it’s pretty obvious what the intentions are. Of course it could be used for professional or friendship purposes, but the nature of your public messages can give you a good indication of the meaning behind private ones. DMs still have a character limit so you’ll have to use all the creativity in your love arsenal to be simultaneously concise and alluring.

So, remember: If you’re feeling lonely and unsatisfied, just survey your bevy of apps and remember that your phone is your personal pimp.

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