Hypervocal Menu


I Thee Bread: ‘Honey, You’re 300 Sandwiches Away From an Engagement Ring!’

Share on FacebookTweet about this on Twitter

Slade Sohmer

By Slade Sohmer on September 25, 2013

Here at HV HQ, we try not to judge. We strive to treat all relationships equally. Straight, gay, transgender, polyamorous, it’s all the same if it’s based on love, admiration, affection and mutual respect.

But what happens when a relationship is based on … sandwiches? Specifically, one half of the relationship making sandwiches for the other?

This is Page Six reporter Stephanie Smith and her boyfriend Eric Schulte. This is a story that’s probably best left in private, away from the acerbic fingers of the internet, away from search engines that will follow you forever.

Smith’s 300sandwiches seems like a terrific food blog. But like George Costanza adding pastrami to his lovemaking, a lifetime entanglement based on deli meat probably cannot stand. Here are the 5 most cringe-worthy quotes from the New York Post’s profile on this hoagie matrimony:

• “You women read all these magazines to get advice on how to keep a man, and it’s so easy,” he says. “We’re not complex. Just do something nice for us. Like make a sandwich.”

• To him, sandwiches are like kisses or hugs. Or sex. “Sandwiches are love,” he says.

• “Honey, you’re 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!”

• “You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?”

• My mother was the voice of reason. “Relationships are a marathon, not a sprint,” she said. “Take it one sandwich at a time.”

But what do we know? Chances are they’ll stay together forever and your perfect non-sandwich relationship will fall apart like a croissantwich.

Okay, enough teasing. Go read this if you wanna hate people and things.

sandwiches 1

sandwiches 2

sandwiches 3

[banner pic via New York Post]
Share on FacebookTweet about this on Twitter