eBay is a treasure trove of one-of-a-kind goods that benefit all mankind, but it is also, like all things on the Internet, a Pandora’s box of things you wish you could un-see. With that, here are the Bureau of Trade’s picks for the most absurd and offensive items for sale on eBay, divided into two categories: our disgusting bodies (1-4), and our disgusting history (5-7).
1. A brown splattered chamber pot. Don’t call it a bud vase. This “splatter patterned” chamber pot is perfect for evoking a time when indoor plumbing was the devil’s work. If you must buy this, we recommending leaving under the bed in the guest room and locking the bathroom from the inside. We also recommend having friends you don’t actually like. $115 on eBay.
2. An open box of “vintage” tampons. These insertable lady-sponges make an excellent stocking stuffer for your tenure-track women’s studies professor friend, but to everyone else, please…just don’t. $0.99 on eBay.
3. Raccoon Penis Bones. Two neat facts: 1) Raccoons have a curved penis bone, called a baculum. 2) They are all the rage on eBay. Southern lore says raccoon penises are a romantic aid and aphrodisiac -– because nothing says “be with me“ like the curved member of a rabid rodent. At ten for twelve bucks, at least they’re cheap. Just don’t use them as toothpicks or to stir drinks. $12.
4. Dabur Shilajit Gold (male enhancer). If you’re going to take a deregulated drug to increase your semen volume and delay ejaculation, at least buy American. We take no issue with homeopathic medicine, but the fact that it’s sold by a company called “saddleworld“ gives us the distinct impression that this is a black market equine pregnancy enhancer guaranteed to give you whatever the ayurvedic term for cancer is. If you must, at least cut the pills in half. $6.13 on eBay.
5. Mail Bag From Japanese Internment Camps. Injury, meet insult. Re-live the darkest chapter in 20th century American human rights with this “Japanese Mail” bag from the internment camps. And what were the messages? “Dear Mr. Okada, We broke into your house. Signed, your neighbors.” Don’t buy this, unless it’s for the Japanese American History Museum. $75 on eBay.
6. Sambo Fishing Lures. Are you racist and like to fish? Then this Sambo fishing lure is just the thing to use to catch some catfish and hold both on the supremacy of the white race. Don’t forget the lemon. $24.95 on eBay.
7. Currency used in a concentration camp. This one makes us legitimately angry. Making money off of anything related to Nazism is questionable at best – take the nearly 75-year-old debate about the taking of royalties from Mein Kampf (most of which go to charity). This dirty money, however, is sold by a private vendor instead of residing in an archive where it belongs. $624.95.
The classic cars, vintage watches and rare books we sell on Bureau of Trade are less ridiculous and decidedly inoffensive. The people who own them? We’re not responsible.