Chances are, someone you know is a Fifty Shades of Grey fan — your mom, your co-worker, your friend, and/or yourself.
What can you get this person to tide her (or him, whatever) over until the inevitable movie comes out? Fortunately, the Internets are full of mind-boggling ideas for the naughty girls and boys on your holiday gift list.
Fifty Shades of Grey: The Classical Album
Who says Fifty Shades is lowbrow? Your classy, cultured friend (who probably pretends that she hasn’t read the trilogy) will love Fifty Shades of Grey: The Classical Album, available on Amazon.com for $9.99.
Yes, such a thing exists. Released on CD on September 18, this album features 15 tracks selected by author E.L. James and referenced in the books. The album claims to set “a mysterious and alluring atmosphere with just the slightest hint of danger.” Well, we’ll let you (or “your friend”) be the judge of that.
As a bonus if you’re cheap, or too uncultured to appreciate classical music, I might as well let you know that E.L. James also has playlists for each book on YouTube. They include some more contemporary music like “Sexy Bitch” by David Guetta featuring Akon, from the nightclub scene (which I find most notable for its use of the phrase “throw some shapes”).
Alas, the Groupon deal for shirts bearing benign phrases like “Keep Calm Until Laters Baby” ended on November 13. Instead, shell out $22 (and up) for the number three top-seller from T-Shirt Hell, which says, “I taught Christian Grey all that shit.” You can choose any style from men’s hoodie for your manly man to women’s spaghetti strap tank top for the lady who knows it actually was a woman who taught Christian Grey all that shit. Just don’t browse that site if you (or your boss) are easily offended.
Last but not least, don’t forget gifts for the little ones, too! Why not commemorate why they came into this world with a bib or onesie announcing “Made from 50 Shades of Grey”? Besides the fact that you can bet those baby photos will haunt your kid on Facebook for the rest of his life.
Another option is “I’m Lil Blip” — you know, Ana’s UNWANTED, unplanned baby that she referred to as a BLIP on the ultrasound rather than as a human being for her entire pregnancy. You can also get “I’m a Later’s, Baby!,” referring to Christian’s unnecessarily grammatically incorrect catchphrase and throwing in an extraneous apostrophe for good measure.
Music, clothes for the whole family — you have plenty of totally normal, practical gift options for those who are dreaming of a Grey Christmas this year.
Tweet Melissa with your movie recs at @melissak_lee.