Do not insult my fucking mayonnaise and Frito pie, Houston Press. This is America, the land of opportunity, where we shovel greasy meatblobs in our gullets until we literally die — because we damn well can. Our schoolchildren eat pink slime. Our working men and women drink pure horse-testicle juice to stay alert. We spread pure white eggy fat on our sandwiches to make them slide down our throats faster. We even have professional eaters who can swallow 13 dripping-wet grilled-cheese sandwiches in under 60 seconds and hundreds of chicken wings in not much longer. DO NOT FUCK WITH US. We will sit on you.
Europeans think our food is weird. Fuck them. You know what’s weird? The entirety of Europe — but also the shit they consider to be delicacies. (Lappkok, anyone?) But don’t take our word for it: We paired up with another American to pit the grossest/awesomest American foods against their European counterparts. So which culture reigns supremely disgusting? See for yourself.
1. Escargot vs. hot dogs
Cooper: In one corner you have snails, mucus-slurping mollusks that live in overgrown fingernails. People eat these things.
Ryan: In the other corner you have ground-up hog flesh, cartilage, ears, gristle, stomach lining and whatever fecal matter is lying around in these carcasses before they’re ground up and turned into an off-red poop shape and given the name of an animal no one in America eats. It often accompanies baseball.
MOST DISGUSTING: Hot dogs.
2. Cheese vs. cheese
Cooper: Our cheese: a blend of random protein concentrates. The end result cannot legally be sold as “cheese.” “Cheese product” or “processed cheese” is preferred. Melts instantly to form tasteless goo that somehow makes meatblobs and scrambled chicken embryos more fun to eat.
Ryan: Their cheese: As a general rule of thumb, when something smells like shit, no one wants to eat it except pretentious assholes who have an arsenal of adjectives for “smells like shit.”
MOST DISGUSTING: Their cheese.
3. Katz’s Deli sandwiches vs. blood pudding
Cooper: Katz’s Deli in downtown New York City: sky-high stacks of corned beef and pastrami, slathered with mustard and barely contained by a fresh slice of rye. It’s heaven on earth for around $20 a sandwich. But Europeans are weirded out by our huge portions — “obscene,” says one Brit. Newsflash: In America, too much of a good thing is still a good thing — we just call it “leftovers.”
Ryan: If you think how we eat meat is weird, just think for a second about blood pudding. First of all, pudding is a generally terrible food in that it’s not, um, food. It’s just some gooey shit you stick in a bowl when you don’t have time to bake a cake. But if there’s one way to improve something awful, it’s to drip a few spoonfuls of human blood into it, right? This further confirms the theory that all Europeans are demon-thirsting leech-beings who will stop at nothing to taste each other’s insides and/or won’t ever shower.
MOST DISGUSTING: Blood pudding.
4. Frito pie vs. smalahove
Cooper: I had to look up Frito pie — “a dish made with chili, cheese, and corn chips; optional additions include salsa, refried beans, rice, mustard, and jalapeños” — and let me say I am delighted to make its acquaintance. This is basically America in a casserole dish: A bunch of salty, greasy, diarrhea-inducing snack foods tossed like a salad into the laziest “meal” in existence, then shoveled into your mouth with your bare hands like it’s gruel and you’re a hungry orphan.
Ryan: Norwegians were Vikings at some point, I think. Judging by what the Minnesota Vikings mascot looks like, the Vikings were pretty good — if not careful — motorcycle racers. Beyond that, they also probably ate the heads of cute, harmless, storybook animals like … sheep. Smalahove means “sheep’s head” in Norwegian. The ingredients for smalahove: a torched sheep head. It is served either smoked or boiled, and the brain should be eaten out with a spoon. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU HEATHENS?
MOST DISGUSTING: Smalahove.
5. Mayonnaise vs. lappkok
Ryan: It has been said that the standard ingredients in mayonnaise are: oil, egg yolk and vinegar or olive oil. However, it has been proven, by me — a person who has unfortunately tasted mayonnaise more than once — that the main ingredients in mayonnaise are human farts, olive loaf, pink wall insulation, back fat, tofu hot dogs and front fat. Mayonnaise, not the moon voyage or the atomic bomb, is proof that human beings are truly capable of anything. And by “anything,” I mean utter and complete destruction of human values, basic decency and respect for the meaning of a life.
Cooper: Describing lappkok, a traditional Norwegian dish, would make small Christian children cry: It’s a dumpling of reindeer blood served with the stuff scraped out of reindeer bones. Ho ho ho! And it looks like what would happen if you threw all eight of Santa’s reindeer — and Santa himself — into an industrial garbage disposal and then left it to mellow until January. It looks like a dead baby joke. It looks good on chips.
MOST DISGUSTING: Mayonnaise.
6. Cauliflower vs. babies
Ryan: Flowers are good. Flowers signify spring, as they suddenly color the grayish, Mordor-like deathscape that is winter. Flour is also a useful substance, but that is of no use here, yet it still must be noted. Basically, if you don’t like flowers, you’re probably dead inside/not-human or you’re someone who likes cauliflower. It is ridiculous that this color-sucked, mostly-stemmed, depressing, cardboard-acting-as-broccoli “vegetable” can parade around like it doesn’t only exist by result of some experiment-gone-wrong performed by some deviant farmhand with no regard for the scope of humanity beyond his empty, sociopathic mind.
Cooper: I’ve read A Modest Proposal. I know what goes on over there.
MOST DISGUSTING: Cauliflower.
Welp, there you have it. Looks like this round is a tie. Which only means one thing: Get ready for round 2, in which we pair up the desserts. Somewhere in the U.S., there’s a cake made entirely of butter.