Finally I recalled the stopgap solution of a great princess who was told that the peasants had no bread, and who responded: “Let them eat brioche.” —Jean-Jacques Rousseau
My mother taught me this recipe for Chocolate Mousse Cake and it’s perfect for every occasion! You’ll need something bigger than a mixing bowl, so use one of your servant’s bathtubs because things are going to get a little icky.
If possible, you should have a pair of musicians to keep things lively — they don’t have to be nude, but it is preferable.
Start by drinking a glass of champagne and be sure to have a few bottles because you’ll be drinking plenty by the time this ordeal is done. Now have another glass.
You should start feeling the alcohol go to your head, so grab some cooking utensils (I like the large spoons) and start playing percussion with the musicians.
When the song is complete and everyone has finished applauding, drink another glass of champagne.
What you’ll want to do next is grab that chocolate I forgot to tell you about and start nibbling. Tell one of the musicians to sing a song about how pretty you are when you eat and that he would like to fornicate with you at a later date, but knows that he cannot because he is only a lowly musician.
Send a servant to retrieve more chocolate when you have depleted what was meant for the cake. Drink more champagne, twirl around a few times, and, if necessary, ready a servant to hold your hair.
I usually take a nap at this point in the recipe. When I awake, the cake is done! My servants tell me that I made an amazing cake while I was asleep, so amazing that they’re all covered in chocolate! Tell them they look disgusting and that they must clean themselves immediately in their communal bathtub. As they run away, ask them to leave their clothes behind so you can lick off the delicious chocolate.
Now, drink another glass of champagne, take another nap, and wake up in time to join your guests for a delicious dessert!
E.A. Weiss is a writer in New York. Follow him around.
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