Amazing Coffee Ad From 1652 Says Drinking It Doesn’t Make You Poop

Coffee! As the legend goes, the magical bean was discovered when goats ate berries from a tree in Ethiopia and danced all night. Centuries later, we still love the hot brown liquid heart-squeezer. But there’s lots we don’t know about it. Like this: Did you know that coffee prevents miscarriages and eye-aches and even cures the gout and dropsy? Did you know it does not make you run screaming to the bathroom every morning?

SEE ALSO: Walter White Is the One Who Knocks (Literally)

Seventeenth-century ad men whipped up this promo for London’s first coffee house, in St. Michael’s Alley, Cornhill. It’s now in the British Museum.

Have fun trying to read it, or just check out the transcription below. (Thanks, Vintage Ads.)

SEE MORE:
• You’ll Love This Fake Ad for a Real-Life Instagram Camera
• The Best and Worst Tippers on the Planet
• Vintage Bathhouse Ad Says ‘You’ll Come Again and Again’

The Vertue of the COFFEE Drink.
First publiquely made and sold in England, by Pasqua Rosée.
THE Grain or Berry called Coffee, groweth upon little Trees, only in the Deserts of Arabia.

It is brought from thence, and drunk generally throughout all the Grand Seigniors Dominions.

It is a simple innocent thing, composed into a drink, by being dryed in an Oven, and ground to Powder, and boiled up with Spring water, and about half a pint of it to be drunk, fasting an hour before and not Eating an hour after, and to be taken as hot as possibly can be endured; the which will never fetch the skin off the mouth, or raise any Blisters, by reason of that Heat.

The Turks drink at meals and other times, is usually Water, and their Dyet consists much of Fruit, the Crudities whereof are very much corrected by this Drink.

The quality of this Drink is cold and Dry; and though it be a Dryer, yet it neither heats, nor inflames more than hot Posset.

It forcloseth the Orifice of the Stomack, and fortifies the heat with- [missing text] its very good to help digestion, and therefore of great use to be [missing text] bout 3 or 4 a Clock afternoon, as well as in the morning.

[missing text] quickens the Spirits, and makes the Heart Lightsome.

[missing text]is good against sore Eys, and the better if you hold your Head o’er it, and take in the Steem that way.

It supresseth Fumes exceedingly, and therefore good against the Head-ach, and will very much stop any Defluxion of Rheumas, that distil from the Head upon the Stomach, and so prevent and help Consumptions and the Cough of the Lungs.

It is excellent to prevent and cure the Dropsy, Gout, and Scurvy.

It is known by experience to be better then any other Drying Drink for People in years, or Children that have any running humors upon them, as the Kings Evil. &c.

It is very good to prevent Mis-carryings in Child-bearing Women.

It is a most excellent Remedy against the Spleen, Hypocondriack Winds, or the like.
It will prevent Drowsiness, and make one fit for Busines, if one have occasion to Watch, and therefore you are not to drink of it after Supper, unless you intend to be watchful, for it will hinder sleep for 3 or 4 hours.

It is observed that in Turkey, where this is generally drunk, that they are not troubled with the Stone, Gout, Dropsie, or Scurvy, and that their Skins are exceeding cleer and white.

It is neither Laxative nor Restringent.

Made and Sold in St. Michaels Alley in Cornhill, by Pasqua Rosee, at the Signe of his own Head.

[22 Words via BoingBoing via Vintage Ads]