10 Reasons ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Made My Vagina Shrivel Up and Die Considering all of the hype, I wanted this book to transport me to a sexual fantasy theme park where my wildest dreams involving Ryan Gosling would come true. But it pretty much succeeded in doing the exact opposite (and I’m not even talking about the Gilbert Gottfried reading). There is a very specific moment in this book where Fifty Shades of Grey took a turn from exciting anticipation to wondering if Justin Bieber was ghostwriting for E.L. James: right about when “Laters, baby” entered the situation. • 9 Smutty Passages From Classic Books • Sinfully Crafty DIY Projects Inspired by ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ That, along with countless other scenarios that made my reproductive organs want to run screaming from my body: 1. Christian pulls Ana’s bloody tampon out of HER ACTUAL BODY before boning. That scene alone made me never want to have sex again. 2. Gliding. Soaring through the air in a plane with no engine. If any man ever suggested that to me I would punch him in the head. 3. Two silver, metal balls on a string meant to be shoved up one’s body cavity for sexual pleasure? The last time I shoved an inanimate object in an orifice was to stimulate a bowel movement. I’ll pass, thanks. 4. These 70-year-old women love this book. 5. Why is this Taylor guy always lingering around, and what’s the deal with his side job as a car salesman? 6. There is a time and a place for helium-balloon gifts from your paramour. And it’s called Valentine’s Day in the 6th grade. 7. Belt lashings remind me of Roots, not knocking boots. Hey-o. 8. The last time I had to hear so much about someone’s “inner goddess” was in college when I was reading The Mists of Avalon. 9. Christian is otherworldly attractive, well-groomed and incredibly particular. I know a number of fellows just like this. And they are all Fifty Shades of Gay. 10. And finally, “Laters, baby.” What does “laters, baby” mean? Yahoo! explains: Basically, it means “See you later, baby.” I also guess that since it was pretty much the first time Christian said “Goodbye” to Ana, and called her “Baby” (from Ana’s perspective), then that could be the significance. I don’t know why people think there is a deeper meaning to it. “It would be most ungallant of me to say, and I have already been chastised for that. But if you behave yourself, I may tell you this evening. I do have to go into a meeting now. Laters, baby.” “You know me so well, Miss Steele. I’m having dinner with an old friend now, so I’ll be driving. Laters, baby.” Two relatively harmless words that make me want to break someone’s neck. * * * After spending five years as a hedge-fund assistant, Katie Ligon now has a wealth of time on her hands. She lives in Brooklyn. SEE MORE: • Does Lindsay Lohan Want to Get All ‘Fifty Shades’ on Justin Bieber? • ‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ if Christian and Ana Were Cavemen
EBI 10.05.12 @ 2:35 pm You are obviously not enjoying your sex life too much if you are so close minded to some of the suggestions in the book. Maybe you just never had such high level of intimacy with a partner…
Fortheloveof4 11.05.12 @ 2:57 am Ha made me laugh… The “laters baby” is in reference to Elliot saying it to Kate. One broter being over loving and the other … Well messed up. It became an inside joke for them.
Fuller 26.06.12 @ 12:57 am The car salesman is a cliche and unthought out as the rest of the book. What utter tripe this book is. I am grateful my wife thought the same. Not sure I would be able to respect had she enjoyed it. Poorly written, terrible grammar and prose and one-dimensional characters that are cliched to the point of ridiculousness. My god, a 20 something student that doesn’t know anything about technology, social media or sex? A male lead who’s only redeeming quality is his wealth? (seriously, imagine him as a poor pizza hut guy…the attitude and stalking is just creepy then) I am glad my wife would rather watch an erotic couples movie or true erotic literature than this drivel. I truly feel sorry for those husbands thay seemed to have had the need to use this to spice things up. Things must have been dead before. As an aside, it is a pity that women do not want to jump their husbands without reading having this rubbish. I guess im Lucky mine does it simply because I worship her, work my ass of to support our family and she loves me.
ShakiraS 02.07.12 @ 11:10 am Why do commenters to negative reviews of 50 Shades and Twilight all react in the same way (by insulting the author of the bad review, instead of saying why they liked it)? Is it because negative reviews make fans of 50 Shades and Twilight feel stupid? Why is there a need to malign the author’s sexual habits and love life as if they were the author? The rabid fanaticism is indicative of how they cling to these books for dear life. Sad (and humorous!).
Bdsm_girl 12.07.12 @ 4:50 am Yep, there’s nothing more intimate than being manipulated and controlled by an abusive sociopathic man who treats you like dirt and forces you into sexual situations you neither fully want or understand. There’s nothing wrong with BDSM and spicing up your sex life. There IS something wrong with the people who think that 50 Shades of Grey is a good (or safe) example of BDSM. Here’s a tip: It’s not.
Kathy Kramer 31.07.12 @ 9:47 pm I think it’s defensiveness, because they know deep down this book is crap, and they are insecure and don’t like that we’re generally pointing that out. Hell, I’ve been called a snob because I publicly said I didn’t like this book. If expecting that the books I read go through some sort of editing process makes me a snob, then I’m guilty as charged.
Mammamathews 08.08.12 @ 12:44 pm I liked this book before it got super popular. I had to really search to find Fifty Shades Darker on ebook. I think people get way too excited about the BDSM factor of the book. There really isn’t that much of it in there. Pretty much it is just vanilla with a little kink in there. I really think before you judge a book you need to read it for yourself. Just because a book is popular is no reason not to read it. I mean it does bug me a little bit that all of a sudden people are freaking out about it. But that is because I feel like it was something that only a few people knew about. Like a secret or something. But it makes me happy that James (just an average wife and mother) gets credit for writing a sweet love story. I the reason I liked it wasn’t just about the sex. I mean duh? It was freaking sexy as hell. But it was that Christian was so broken inside.He was into the BDSM lifestyle because that was really the only way he allow himself to be with a woman. On his terms. He couldn’t be touched due to the abuse he suffered when he was a little boy. It makes sense. When I was a child I was sexually abused and I can relate to Christians issues. Even though he wasn’t sexually abused (well not until Mrs. Robinson and he was 15 and I agree with Ana that was abuse. If he were a girl, there would be more people outraged at that), he was physically abused. But I liked that the author didn’t change him over night. It wasn’t like oh hey! I am cured! You can touch me now. James showed his gradual change. The sex. I think the books talked about BDSM sex than them actually doing it. It showed Christian being able to actually have “vanilla sex” Ana and enjoy it as much as the kinky stuff. I liked that Ana was a virgin. She saw him and she didn’t settle for just the scraps. At the end of the first book she couldn’t handle the BDSM thing and she let him go, even though she loved him. Some other things that bugged me about this person’s comments on the book, was that yeah the tampon part was kinda like What??? But that is Christian. I mean if two people aren’t bothered by it, what is the problem? It is just blood. It isn’t like James went into detail about what the tampon looked like. Lots of women do it when they are on their period. So what is so wrong with the balls? What is so strange about that? I think it is good that James puts things like this in the book. Those balls work great for more than sex wise. It helps strengthen your vaginal walls which helps with child birth. They are important for so more than just sex. I won’t get into it but you can google it. I just don’t see what the problem was wih that. Taylor? He is Christians right hand man. The reason he was around so much was for one thing he lived there and there was as pysco chick stalking Christian and Ana. He is more like their body guard. It makes sense that Christian would want Ana to be safe, look what happened when he was a child. He wasn’t able to protect his mother. Finally laters! It is just something he says. It wasn’t like he said it all the time. He said it now and then. But it wasn’t annoying. I am the type of person that get really annoyed when authors go over kill on a saying and I don’t think she even came close to being annoying with it. Same with the inner goddess thing. It was funny. But to each his own and all. I just feel like if you don’t like to read about sex or BDSM then don’t read a book that has those types of issues and again don’t judge a book if you haven’t read the whole thing or if you haven’t read it at all. I hate when people write reviews about a book they stopped reading half way through! Anyways that is just my opinion about your opinion. Laters Baby!
shutterbird13 13.08.12 @ 3:21 am True, the author didn’t change him overnight, but she wasn’t exactly realistic about anything else, either, so I doubt it was intentional. For instance, any man who is that disrespectful, controlling, condescending, and possessive/jealous of his woman…is going to hit her. Not just “spank” her for “punishment”, I’m talking full-on punches, slaps, kicks, and maybe some hair pulling and stair-pushing. Don’t believe me? Perhaps I should send you copies of all the messages I’ve received from survivors of domestic violence who a) spotted the abuse pathology fairly quickly and b) in some instances, had horrible flashbacks to their own nightmare relationships. I read the whole book. In fact, I read the entire trilogy, and do you know what I found? The glorification of abusive relationships, misogyny on a monumental scale, shoddy, juvenile writing, blatant abuse of the English language, boring sex scenes, and enough stereotypes to populate a small country. I fear for you, MammaMathews, that you think THIS is somehow a “sweet love story”. The protagonist was a spineless weakling who gave in EVERY TIME her high-handed abuser pushed her to do something she didn’t want to do/wasn’t comfortable doing. She wasn’t interested in the kink for her own sake, she did it only to be with Christian, which is not empowering, it is not “sweet”, and it is most definitely not something we should be applauding in front of impressionable young women. Furthermore, in regards to Christian acting this way because he was “abused”; big whoop. Being an abuse survivor does NOT give someone the right to treat other people like dirt. He’s an adult who is responsible for his own actions, yet Ana keeps giving him passes for his blatantly dangerous behavior because he “has the emotional maturity of an adolescent”. I’m sorry, what? If a teenage boy got back at his girlfriend for going topless by biting her breasts hard enough to break the skin and leave bruises (then have the temerity to blame the bruises ON HER because she went topless), he would not be given a pass, regardless of how “abused” he might have been in his childhood. Ana mentions several times that Christian lacks empathy. Do you know what people who lack all ability to empathize are usually classified? Sociopathic. How. Sweet.
Ruby Dynamite 19.09.12 @ 1:51 am Another perfectly good reason (as in, explanation that makes sense) ‘laters, baby’ is in the book is because EL James is English and they didn’t even bother to try to take out the Britishisms. “Laters” is a very common way of saying ‘bye’ in certain parts of the UK. So yeah, just another example of how this book fails – they couldn’t even be arsed to get rid of the stupid Brit slang even though every last person in the book is American and it’s set in a state in the US. *facepalm*
Carly 21.11.12 @ 2:10 pm The book never said Taylor was a car salesman. He just sold one car, Anastasia’s. “Laters baby” is a joke between Christian and Anastasia. Elliott said it to Kate after they first met. If your going to criticize a book you should at least know what your talking about.
Matthee 08.12.12 @ 9:53 am Have R u freaking kidding me! I love the picutre of the cat! Anybody that agrees with the rantingns of this obviously hidious woman should be exiled to a remote island somewhere in the south Pacific and never be allowed to return to civilization! If you weren’t enjoying the book, then you should have stopped reading along about chotdr five! YOU DIDNT! You know why you didn’t, because you weemre intrigued! So you read the whole thing and didn’t like it! ! What you were offended? Really! Its says for mature audiences, eeotic romance! Duh! If you think a man pulling out his woman’s tamoon to fuck the hell out if her isn’t sexy as hell, then you aren’t mature at all, that or have never started living! Ball bearings, OMG, anybody else not thing that’s shit is sexy! Lady you need a hoby! I think you need to do some research on BDSM, learn exactly what it entails, find you a lovely man with a little bit of a wild side, and have some fun! On the other hand, ID say if you have really decided to sow your vigina shut because of this book, #1 once again u should have stopped reading, and maybe your man would still get lucky every once in a while, #2 you have probably done the human race a favor! Sincerely, Matthee
Matthew 08.12.12 @ 10:06 am Correcting my name from precious post! I am so upset with you lady! Your ignorant translation of meanings and dialect in the book are epic! Layers Baby is what it is! Funny and light hearted, just like the Grey’s! Christian has a very dark side! He suffered a horrific childhood which were elements that were out of his control! Anastasia saves his life and brings him out if his misery so to speak! She shows him what real love is, and in turn is treated like the queen she is! His coping strategies for dealing with how he was dehumanised as a small child was to developed a very dark and mysterious sexual parallel universe if you will! The story behind all the sex is absolutely amazing if you are intelligent enough to enjoy and understand the story instead of concerning yourself with how the sex turns you off! I still have to say if the sex turns you off, you probably should sow that baby shut! Men will lift up their hands and praise! Post back and let us know when you’ve done that, and I will build a website dedicated to you and set up a nationwide day of praise and worship for the savior of the male species! As always, Matthew
Matthew 08.12.12 @ 1:34 pm Matthew well I am again! I keep reading and trying to figure out where you people come from! I am responding to Shutterbird13′s unbalanced, unthought-out, mundane, coagulated response to the books! Am I missing something here! They are freaking fiction! Erotic romance! For fun and entertainment! I realize everybody has an opinion, but all the people with negative things to say about the books, you know what your opinions are made of; lips and ass holes! Bahahahaha. Woot woot! Can I get a woot woot anybody! This is a new day and age! You can find virtually everything on the internet at the tips of your fingers! So if somebody recommends a book to you, Google it and within 10 minutes you can process enough information to know whether it is for you or not! Isn’t that what you would do if your were looking for the coolest phone out? I am not upset at all! I am jot clinging to these books because they give me some false hope of an unrealistic reality! I am single, I am bored, and I read them as something to occupy my mind! I don’t eve like to read! I’m a good reader, just never has been my thing! I started reading them because a friend recommended them to me! I couldn’t stop reading! They sucked me right in! I loved the way Christian and Anastasia met, I was laughing my ass off at the dialogue between them in his office when she went to do the interview! I was all in at that point! The books were very entertaining and exciting! Can’t wait for the movies! Could any of what happened in the books happen in real life, sure it could! Just because the man lives out a wild sadistic sexual fantasy, does that necessarily have to mean he is violent, I do not think so! Troubled maybe! If you have suffered from domestic violence and or sexual assault, I am truly sorry, and can definitely see the potential in these books to be disturbing to you, but once again, simply don’t read them! These books do not depict a sexual assault of any kind, nor do they promote it! Fiction, fiction, fiction, fiction! Reading a murder mystery and deciding to act it out and go murder somebody is no different! Only unstable, mentally challenged, and disturbed individuals do things of such nature! I bet you are anti-gun, and for gun control aren’t you! One of those ignorant bastards who isn’t smart enough to realize guns don’t kill people, crazy psychotic people kill people! Guns for self defense have saved more lives than those have taken! If somebody in the theatre in Colorado had had a gun a lot of innocent lives could have been saved when that wacko went off! Anyway! I got off the subject! I tend to drift! I laugh at you Shutterbird13! Guess what! Smack talk all you want! E.L. James is really really rich because of those books! So when u decide to talk about how her use of the English language is horrible, and her writing skills, are less than desirable, do me a favor and envision something! Envision her on some exotic island in an enormous ocean side condo having wild and crazy sex with her husband, and spending millions of dollars on exuberant things and having the time of her life, all do in part to folks like you! Even the negative publicity is good for business! Makes people want to go buy the book and find out for themselves, so keep up the good work;-) Matthew
Anonymous 21.01.13 @ 10:37 pm Ebi chill out. I have sex every day practically and if suggested these things to my hubby hed probsbly cut his own manhood off.
anon 21.01.13 @ 10:38 pm Ebi chill out. I have sex every day practically and if suggested these things to my hubby hed probsbly cut his own manhood off.
James 02.03.13 @ 5:10 am It surprises me that you even bothered to take the time to express your meaningless & narrow minded opinion, however I only thinks its fair to waste my time too just so you can get back to planet earth! 1. There is obvious safety risks attempting penetration without first removing the tampon and the only real disheartening fact was that he didn’t take the prime opportunity to suck it clean & and savour that once monthly treat. 2. If you are willing to punch a man in the head for suggesting something as simple as going gliding, I can only assume you have little or no friends? I just hope you don’t extend the same discourtesy to penguins! 3. No matter how you word it, inserting a cucumber in your bottom is no way to ‘stimulate a bowel movement’. Laxatives are the preferred choice & recommended by many! 4. If 70 year old women like the book i say good for them. Just buy plenty of lube… Sex is ageless!! 5. Why does Taylor hand around?? Clue is in the fact he’s a salesman on the side. He won’t sell much drinking earl grey watching the tv now will he?? 6. Total correction… heliumballoons are great anytime, I mean how funny is it sounding like the chipmunks for 15 seconds? 7. Belt lashings are very enjoyable indeed, but you need to start slow. Free tip… Try a fluffy dressing gown belt to start! 8. Inner goddess? You should aspire to that. Surely beauty is more than skin deep? I can only assume you have been described as an empty bin bag with as much sexual prowess as a giant panda! 9. Fifty shades of gay? Nothing wrong with being metro & making an effort. Wake up this isn’t 1913 it’s 2013. By the way if he was gay surely he’d of picked an Alan or a Alistair? Surely being the eligible bachelor he is, Alan Carr or graham norton would of jumped at the chance. I mean come on dale winton would of been tanned, smiling & bent over in a second with a trolley full of milk tray, lube & a few bottles of lambrini! 10. This says it all really… If you have to look up the meaning of laters baby, chances are you’ve never had a man, never been laid & probably should of spent more time listening to the world around you rather than fantasising about Harry potter & how manycakes you can bake. Get a life, get real, everyone has an opinion & just because you decided to be a padlock pants with no adventurous side, that’s your call. Just go back to your crotchet & enjoy every day.
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