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Your Tax Dollars at Work: Senator Wants to Make Sure You Don’t Step in Any More Puddles

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By WG on January 27, 2011

No doubt you’ve seen this:

So when the following story first hit my inbox, I thought it was as fake as a bottle of MeatWater, but sadly, this story is all too real.

Outraged over the fact that some idiot brought great lulz to the Interweb in a move straight out of those Bing commercials by tripping and falling into a mall fountain while putzing around on her phone, some self-righteous asshole New York Senator wants to make it illegal to use your phone or iPod while walking the streets.

“When people are doing things that are detrimental to their own well being, then government should step in,” Brooklyn Senator Karl Kruger said.

The fine for violating the law would be $100, which supporters hope will be enough to stem what they think is a disturbing trend — a slight increase in fatalities.


Well, I’ll definitely agree that there’s a disturbing trend here, but it isn’t the idiots who can’t pay attention where they’re walking. No, idiots have been around since the dawn of time. It’s the gub’ment slapping a law on anything and everything they think of. No wonder the President complains that we’re getting smoked by other countries’ growth in the sciences, we’re a goddamn country of soul-sucking lawyers!

It makes sense that we want people who understand the law and the legal process to be the ones in charge of making and managing our laws, but paradoxically, there’s a subtle conflict of interest in there that’s ruining our country. Lawyers just want to make more laws. So that we’ll need more lawyers to untangle them.

I don’t know if these people actually expect to turn this schlock into an actual bill that has any chance at passing or if they just have the semi-noble intention of getting some press on the “issue,” but the sheer proposal is just a complete slap in the face. And you can make all the damn laws you want, you’re not going to be able to stop people from being idiots. There’s only one way to do that. Keep the training wheels off and let ’em fall into the damn sewer. They can update their Facebook status from down there!

Instead of pissing us all off with a cockamamie ban, go ahead and make a PSA instead. That way I can laugh tears of joy instead of bleeding from my ears when I find out the U.S. Senate considers this an important issue.

Any jerk should be able to understand that when you choose to multitask, you run a greater risk of fucking up either activity. Or that when shove headphones into your ears you are sacrificing the ability to, durrrr, hear what’s going on around you. If you didn’t, fear not. I’m here to serve you. Here at WG, we want to make wannabe geniuses out of all of you monkeys. So while it’s usually just a couple of assholes talking way too loudly about their personal biznass, sometimes that shit is really important. Particularly when there’s cars and whatnot involved, so maybe cut it back to just one earbud…and DON’T FORGET TO LOOK UP EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. Those birds will still be angry when you get home.

Follow WG on Twitter @wannabe_genius and Mike’s other grumblings @mickeyvee.

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