WESTERN CONFERENCE

Northwest Division

5. Minnesota

At the very least, this simultaneously puzzling and intriguing team will justify an NBA League Pass subscription. While I assume Michael Beasley passed his latest drug test, I’m still waiting on a urine sample from GM David Kahn. Kahn has unconventionally assembled young assets (including #2 overall pick Derrick Williams, Wes Johnson, and Anthony Randolph) but chemistry will be a major issue. If Ricky Rubio becomes a poor man’s Rondo, he could quickly replace Dirk as my favorite player to watch (hopefully Rick Adelman instructed his 10 PFs to assume every Rubio jumper is really an alley-oop pass). Do you think Kevin Love can fit his new amigo in a suitcase when he leaves the Twin Cities this summer?

4. Utah

Jerry Sloan was arguably as important to the Jazz as Stockton and Malone. After Sloan’s outstanding (yet title-less) 23-year run, Tyrone Corbin is the new Elder in this Mormon mountain town. Paul Millsap, Derrick Favors, Mehmet Okur, Al Jefferson, and #3 overall pick Enes Kanter give Utah plenty of frontcourt depth, but Sloan and backcourt rock Deron Williams be sorely missed. Hasa Diga Eebowai!!!

3. Denver

George Karl is an inspiration. After surviving cancer and last year’s ‘Melo-drama, he rallied the star-less Nuggets and made them tougher than ever. Although Kenyon Martin, J.R. Smith, Wilson Chandler, and Ray Felton are big losses (don’t worry, they still have Timofey Mozgov!), Karl will find a way to make things work. Ty Lawson, Danilo Gallinari, and Nene are true gamers, but Arron Afflalo will be their most impactful returning player.

2. Portland

Few teams could lose two potential franchise players (Brandon Roy and Greg Oden) and still compete. Nate McMillan’s squad will do more than that. Tenacious veterans Ray Felton, Jamal Crawford, and Gerald Wallace will give Portland firepower they haven’t seen since Darius Miles, Ruben Patterson, and Qyntel Woods shared neighboring lockers. Marcus Camby, sleeper stud Nicolas Batum, and soon-to-be All-Star LaMarcus Aldridge will hold this unit together.

1. Oklahoma City

We’re all waiting for Kevin Durant & Associates (don’t tell Russell Westbrook he’s not an equal partner in the firm) to take the next step. It’s about to happen. The NBA’s best young core is growing together, and they are finally ready to make it from small town to big time. James Harden has “championship role player” tatooed all over his face (though you probably can’t see it under his beard), and Westbrook is more than Stephon Marbury 2.0. Even though Kendrick Perkins now looks more like Anna Kendrick , he’ll give the inevitably immortal Kevin Durant the protection he needs to put the waiting to an end.

Pacific Division

5. Sacramento (adapted from my previous “The Season That Isn’t” column)

When Sacramento (I mean Anaheim…I mean Sacramento) acquired the Great White Hope (Jimmer!) in a draft night trade with the Bucks, I immediately felt more awkward than Michael Cera in a threesome. If pairing a devout observer of the BYU Honor Code with a reckless violator of I-80′s traffic code wasn’t dangerous enough for team chemistry, expecting either combo guard to sacrifice shot attempts surely will be. Although the Kings now have tremendous scoring potential with Evans, Fredette, and Zach Randolph 2.0 (DeMarcus Cousins), more seasoned, defensive-minded players are needed in order for this wager to pay off. Unfortunately for the Maloofs, the house doesn’t always win. This team will plummet like its owners’ bank accounts.

4. Phoenix

You know you have a frighteningly weak roster when 39-year-old Grant Hill is expected to be an “energy player.” I genuinely feel bad for Steve Nash. Unlike superstar divas Chris Paul and Carmelo Anthony, he’ll never ask out of Phoenix. Something tells me he’s going to play out his contract and keep the Suns semi-competitive until the tail end of the season.

3. Golden State

I’ll never understand why Mark Jackson got a head coaching job without ever serving as an assistant (announcing games with Jeff Van Gundy doesn’t count). But what do I know? If anyone can tame shoot-first guards Stephen Curry and Monta Ellis (who now face injuries and lawsuits, respectively), maybe it’ll be the former St. John’s assist machine. This could be a disaster, but the Warriors will score enough to stay in games.

2. L.A. Lakers

David Stern created an alternate NBA reality when he vetoed a three team-trade that would’ve sent Chris Paul to the Lakers. What should have re-launched “Showtime” instead left The Black Mamba’s Deadly Viper Assassination Squad looking Purple and Old. Replacing Lamar Odom with Josh McRoberts and Troy Murphy has officially made the Lakers whiter than the Indiana Pacers, and Andrew Bynum’s health will once again determine how far they can go. While Kobe’s German-engineered knee is supposedly “90 percent better,” his bank account will soon be 50% worse. Uh oh.

The Lakers won’t coast through the regular season, but they can still do damage come playoff time. Just as long as they don’t stay fixated on what could have been.

1. L.A. Clippers

“Lob City” just became the NBA’s biggest attraction since Oliver Miller. The NBA’s best PG (I’d still prefer Derrick Rose) and most explosive dunker (I’d still prefer mid-’90s Shawn Kemp) will make you forget that their owner is sleazier than Newt Gingrich. The Clippers will win their first ever division title (wow) because they actually have solid talent around their Paul-Griffin duo (unlike the Knicks, they didn’t gut their entire roster to acquire an unhappy superstar). Eric Gordon will be missed, but DeAndre Jordon, Chauncey Billups, Caron Butler, Mo Williams, Eric Bledsoe, Ryan Gomes, and Randy Foye can serve as a competent supporting cast (or potential trade bait).

The Lakers have a better shot at winning a championship (this year), but the Clippers are about to take the Pacific like the Allied powers in WWII.

Southwest Division

5. New Orleans

The Hornets could have been a playoff contender with Kevin Martin, Lamar Odom, and Luis Scola. Instead they’re lottery-bound. At least Khloe Kardashian won’t be around to make beautiful Bourbon Street trashy.

4. Houston

No team got screwed worse during the CP3 fiasco. Pau Gasol (and Nene) would’ve learned a lot from Kevin McHale. Maybe their new coach should give Joe Smith a call?

3. San Antonio

Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili, Tony Parker, and Gregg Popovich belong on some kind of basketball purists’ Mount Rushmore. Although they haven’t always (or ever) been flashy, no current NBA core has been through so much and remained intact (they’ve always reminded me of U2 for this reason). Despite winning 61 games last year, the Spurs are flying under the radar. Don’t sleep on them (even if their playing style is more effective than Ambien).

2. Memphis

Zach Randolph’s Grizzlies (I can’t believe I just wrote that) are for real. Despite losing Shane Battier and Darrell Arthur, the return of Rudy Gay (arguably their best player) will give Memphis the spark they need to build upon last year’s surprising playoff success. Randolph, Gasol, and Ron Artest 2.0 (Tony Allen) should improve with Gay back in the lineup. Watch out.

1. Dallas

I’ll never forget watching Dirk Nowitzki pull a 2007 Peyton/2009 A-Rod and prove all the haters wrong. The reigning Finals MVP was truly the Heatles’ Yoko Ono, and he’ll shine again (as long as he can stand upright). Stealing Lamar Odom from the rival Lakers may have been THE move of the offseason, and it gives Mark Cuban’s group enough versatility to remain among the league’s elite. Losing Tyson Chandler, J.J. Barea, and potentially DeShawn Stevenson will cost them down the stretch. At least Texas newbie Delonte West won’t have to hide his guns in a guitar case anymore.

FINALS & AWARDS

NBA FINALS

Miami over Oklahoma City (in 6 games)

MVP: Kevin Durant
Rookie of the Year: Kemba Walker
Coach of the Year: Nate McMillan
Most Wins: Miami – 48

Follow Andrew Bank on Twitter @andrewbank. Read his HyperVocal archive here.

What do you think? Have any opinions of your own? Feel free to weigh in below…